Dear Buffy,

Hey girlfriend, bad time?

I'm feeling a bit sick, but I think I'm getting better. I feel like some of my energy is coming back. We slayers heal fast, I guess. It's weird how you're so strong, but when you experience a moment of weakness, of vulnerability, some people like it. I've had so many guys tell me that I'm cute when I'm nervous, shy, anxious... literally the most vulnerable moments of my life. I feel like Angel is like that. He wanted to take care of you. Spike post soul, ain't like that.

I admire you for your strength and your vulnerability. I admire you for the whole person that you are, the entire alturistic, selfless, loving, strong, compassionate woman that you grew into when you got called into slayherood at age 15.

Will I ever be called by a greater power? Will I ever have a purpose? I want to say everyone will/does. I want to say that everyone has a special magic inside of them and I want to use mine to radiate happiness on others. But maybe I don't have any powers. Maybe I'm nothing special. Maybe I can't help anyone. Maybe I'm just me.

"No weapons, no friends, no hope. Take all that away, and what's left?"
"Me."

LOVE YOU BUFFSTER, Thank you for being an inspiration.
Babs

DEAR BUFFY,

Dear Buffy,


BUUUUUUFSTER!!!!!!!!! Yesterday was my ONE YEAR anniversary of living in Portland, Oregon!!! I think moving to Portland was probably how you felt moving out of Sunnydale, not to say that Seattle is a hellmouth, but it was for me specifically. It might be a beautiful safe-haven-twilight for lots of people, but I just didn't belong.

In one year of living in Portland I have made more friends (supportive scoobies who love me!) than I did in 25 years in Seattle. I have had my heart broken waaay harder than I ever had in Seattle, and through that I kinda learned that I'm "full of love; it burns brighter than the fire; love will lead me to my gift." I've been rejected for so many dream jobs in the last year, but I've also gotten opportunities I never would have had in Seattle. I met your boy Joss Whedon, who really helped me deal with a difficult time in my life. I had a "going red"-esque nervous breakdown, and yeah, I don't exactly taste like strawberries anymore. But because of that I got on medication and I kicked my eating disorder, and now I'm learning how to control my power, instead of letting it control me.

I'm so thankful for my friends that I've made here. They are all so strong, sweet, loving, smart, wonderful, and they seem to not totally hate me. I have had the craziest, busiest year of my life, and I am so happy it's been in this magickal fairyland. I feel like I've grown and changed so much, but only really that I've become myself more, a better version of Babs. I'm slowly ascending- not in a demonic scary way!

I'm still not done, totes obvi. " I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies..." But, in the last year, I've gotten more cookie-like than ever before. Sometimes it hurts, but I'm so happy I live here!

Thank you for being there for me, B, throughout it all. I am so grateful for everyone in my life. I love my friends so much. I hope I continue to grow, to become a better friend, to become a better artist, until I am able to use my powers to help people deal with depression and anxiety.

I love you. 

Barbara

Dear Buffy,

Hey,


My life feels really amazing right now! Well kinda good okayish fine. Eh, it pretty much still sucks. I mean on the one hand sometimes it feels like comedy likes me, but sometimes it feels like I passed Comedy the note and Comedy circled "maybe." I kinda met this dude but I dunno. You know my track history I suppose. (By which I do not mean how when I was in high school track all the track boys were totes crushing on me. But um.) It's amazing having Bryan visiting, but I know he'll be gone tomorrow, and I'll be back to struggling at art and friends and trying not to let the loneliness get me. "I mean, I... I guess everyone's alone. But being a slayer? There's a burden we can't share.......And no one else can feel it. Thank God we're hot chicks with superpowers."


But yeah, it's gonna be okay, right? .... right, B?


love you gurl, Angel's an idiot.
xoxoxoxxx
babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey hey hey! Oh man that was all the energy I had. Time to go back to bed. Buffster, what am I doing with my life? I so desperately need a purpose, a calling, a destiny. I need to be chosen. I watched the episode last night where Giles fucked with your powers all secrety, and I remember Willow asking you, "if you don't get your powers back, then what?" That's kinda how I feel with comedy. If comedy isn't my destiny, who am I?

I almost cried when you were like, "If I'm not the slayer, what do I do? What do I have to offer? Why would you like me?" And then Angel said he liked you before you were called, "Because I could see your heart. You held it before you for everyone to see, and I was worried that it would get bruised or torn...."

And okay, that's a little cheeseballz even for Angel, but I still like it. I feel like that. Take away the writing and the stage presence and the comedy and the nerdiness and the work ethic, "and what's left?" "me." Without it all, all I am is a big throbbing heart, oozing my emotions everywhere. That is one of my favorite things about myself, that my heart is so vulnerable and accessible to everyone who needs it, so on display to any audience. My vulnerability is one of my best assets as an artist and friend. But it's also the thing that drives men away so quickly. It's the thing that gets me hurt with friends so easily. My feelings are so sensitive. I'm super vulnerable and that's my greatest strength and weakness.

I don't know. I'm tired. No I'm not. I miss you.

love,

Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hai hai girl! I'm at work at my day job. It's slightly more glamorous than slinging "chicken" at the happy meat palace, but not by much. Comedy is going okay. I'm not quite working hard enough. I guess you could say I'm struggling a bit socially and artistically. I work really hard on my art but I feel estranged and held at a distance by people, or perhaps I do that part to myself. I don't know. Every day I write incessently. Every night I perform until I'm exhausted... Every single night the same arrangement. I go out and fight the fight. Still I always feel the strangest estrangement...I've been going through the motions...

Phew, that was weird. I don't know why I started singing all of the sudden.

Anyway. I can tell I'm depressed because I can't wait to tell YOU about it. That would be my "You know you're a redneck" bit. You know you're depressed when you can't wait to vent to a semi-fictional mythological heroine. You know you're depressed when you eat pizza twice in one day, and both those meals are dinner. I could go on.

I hope you are doing well. You are such a beautiful bright shining light of love that envelopes, warms, and protects your friends and family unconditionally. I want to be like that when I grow up.

I miss you. 

Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

How's everything? 5 by 5? 5 by 4 and 1/4 inches? I think it's cool to just say your height when people ask you how it's going. A few days ago I did a show where the mic stand was really heavy and everyone commented on it. I went last and moved the mic stand out of the way with one hand very deftly. Someone was like, "wow, she's strong but so little." And without thinking I replied, "Yeah, I'm a vampire slayer." And the audience laughed!

I don't really think I'm strong enough to be considered a slayer so I'm not sure why that came out of my mouth. I don't identify as a slayer or a leader or a person with strength to stand up for others. I wish I was. Mostly I wish I was part of something, like the slayer line.

Remember when the first (as you!) was like: "Into every generation, a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world. She alone will have the strength and skill to... There's that word again. What you are. How you'll die... alone. Where's your snappy comeback?"

That's how I feel lately: intrinsically alone by the definition of my being. 

Hope everything is totes peaches for you. 

love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Dear Buffy,

The other day I had a panic attack in front of this guy I liked and he didn't run away, didn't judge me, nothing. I practically dropped to my knees and hyperventilated while shaking and almost crying and he still doesn't hate me. I feel like he saw me transform into a werewolf, or that he saw me get all bumpy forehead vampy, or black haired and veiny or something... Now that I think about it a lot of your friends witness each other at their most monstrous and they still love each other unconditionally. That's really beautiful, empowering, and hopeful. It reminds me of in Season six when you said to Spike, " I tried to kill my friends, my sister, last week and guess how much they hate me now? Zero. Zero much. So I'm thinking, sleeping with you... They'll deal." Despite crying in public, having panic attacks, going weeks without eating, being a semi-suicidal baby, being an asshole, I still have friends that love, respect, and care about me. And everyone is like that. Everyone has people in their lives that love them deeply despite their monstrosities. I'm a monster and my scoobies still love me.

It's gonna be okay,

Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

I feel a little overwhelmed lately with my life. I wish I was better at being a grown up and paying bills and doing laundry, and not summoning the forces of darkness. Weirdly, I know how easy all that shit is to do, I just would rather read comic books or write jokes or drink drinks. Adult life is so scary, but not as scary as a hell god induced apocolypse that theatens everything I know and love as well as humanity in general, so I have nothing to complain about, right?

I miss you, B. I've been feeling a little lonely and disconected lately. I am working really hard though, trying to get amazing at this comedy thing. I want to be a chosen one, but I understand that comedy isn't like slaying, people aren't chosen, they choose comedy for themselves. It isn't an innate power, it's something you might have a natural inclination towards but you have to be open to it, work at it, nurture it, and let it grow, more like witchcraft than slaying.

Miss you and Will. I need more girly type friends that are happy and strong and love me.

love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Dear B,

I’m having a kinda great day, kinda terrible, you know, the vast complexities of the human condition. On the one hand, it’s been 22 days since I’ve purged, which is the longest I’ve gone since I was about 11. I feel really strong and healthy for breaking that record. And now every day is a new personal best! On the other hand, I’m still lonely, even more introverted, (if that’s possible. Damn, girl, if I get any more introverted than this I’m just gonna be inside out: cc: Warren.) And I’m still insecure if my friends like me.

I’m wearing Buffy shoes (high heeled black pleather boots) today but I lack Buffy posture, Buffy dance moves, Buffy sassiness, Buffy-ability-to-believe-in-myself-and-others. I guess I do believe in others, I just have problems believing that anyone could love me, that I could deserve kindness, that I’m selfless, loving, strong, or genuinely compassionate enough to deserve anything from my amazing friends.

Miss you, B, I miss all the scoobies…

Love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed lately. I guess I'm still sad about not getting that dream job. But I'll have more dream jobs opportunities every month that I can consistently mess up and fail to acquire. I guess I shouldn't complain about my vast varied ample chances to fail. However, I do envy your set path of destiny. You have a purpose in the world. You know where and how you fit in, how you can help. I thought that was me with comedy and writing, but I guess I was wrong. I wish I had a purpose or a destiny. I feel so lost now. I don't feel chosen for anything anymore. Maybe no one is really destined or chosen for gigs like slayers. Maybe no powers are innate and magickal. Maybe I can take up cheerleading.

I just was reading Fray and I couldn't help but worry about how alone she is. You're so lucky you have scoobies. I have been feeling a little isolated lately. (Maybe an affect of the depression, or maybe everyone is isolating themselves in this weather, or maybe I'm just starting to date someone new so I'm kinda withdrawn, or I dunno, just probably feeling rejected and distant b/c of the job thing still.)

I'm kinda lonely. I miss you, B. I wish you and Will were here.

Dear Buffy,

So, once again I failed to get a job I thought I was a good fit for. You have so much success in your career as a slayer, it's almost hard explaining what this is like to you. I fail and am rejected constantly for jobs and when it's something like a gig at a big comedy club, like sure I'm not the right fit for that, but this was a monologue joke based writing job that relied on smart one liner powers, one of my gifts, something I consider myself chosen for. And I didn't get it. I am the right kind of comedian for this, the right style and type, and I just didn't get something I was a good fit for because I'm not funny enough.

I think it's kind of like when you went to fight Caleb the first time and he beat you (and omg poor Xan, he never saw that coming! oh sorry pun unintended sorry I'll see myself out.) But it sucks because with Caleb you thought that was your calling, you thought you and your little slayer army would easily slaughter him, as per your destiny. And is that cocky? To have confidence in ONE ability, a superiority complex at one talent, and then to have that pulled out from under you like a magic carpet made of yucky snakes!

I guess I need to check my hubris, remember that I'm still a potential, not a slayer, and I need to stop expecting to do well at things. I thought I was working hard, but I guess I have "to work twice as hard to be half as good." (Amy about Willow.) I can't think of myself as a good writer yet, I have the potential but I'm not there yet. Maybe I never will be. And am I okay with that? Am I okay with not being chosen for anything, ever? Never being special?

I'm beating myself up a lot for it, feeling not funny, not good enough, comparing myself to other writers, crying a lot. And it's so hard. I feel like I suck at the one thing I want to be good at, the one thing that makes me feel like I belong.

I  don't feel chosen right now.

I think I need like a scythe.

love you, B
Barbara

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

Sorry I haven't written in a while. Things have been so psycho killer cray cray. Lots of boy drama. I know; I should be strong and smart enough to not let anything with a guy affect who or what I am. I'm 26, an artist, a good friend, I help people, and I love very deeply all of my friends and family. I'm "...full of love. It burns brighter than the fire." Okay, well maybe that's part of the problem. I just watched the episode where the teenage boy had the magic love spell coat and it made everyone love him. I wanna get a coat like that only instead of making people love me maybe it would make comedy love me, or cats. I liked how you saved Dawn and said, "I wish I could just give him to you. You're scaring me so much. No boy is worth your life." You're such a good big sister!

Comedy's going okay. I'm sorta working hard, sorta going crazy, sorta getting funnier, sorta falling into a dark pit that was covered by leaves and twigs but it was a trap and now I'm inside and it's all dark but hey there's sammiches down here!

I have a friend who wants me to move to New York with him. I don't think I'm ready to be in a big city with a huge professional comedy scene full of great comics working really hard who are all hilarious and driven and unique and talented. Except I really want that. But I'm scared. I love Portland. I have scoobies here.

Miss you, B. Thanks for taking care of Anya. She needs you.

You're a sweet, wonderful, strong, loving, righteous, heroic, integrity filled, slayer.

love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey buddy,

I'm having a really hard time with stand up lately and my relationships with people. I feel like a lot like I think you did in season six when you... came back. I know I didn't really go anywhere like heaven, but to me, being good at stand up and having a path was my heaven. I had a purpose; I belonged. And now I don't know where I fit in. I feel lost. I mean, I'm not giving up stand up, obviously, but I feel like I had a purpose. Death was my gift. And now I have nothing. "Is this hell?" God that moment is more heartbreaking than any real life moment I've ever had. I want to hug you so badly.

I kinda worry that I'm like Billy the Vampire Slayer, and not like one of the chosen ones like you. Like I don't have super strength but I work really hard. In mainstream terms that makes me more like Batman than Wonderwoman... It breaks my heart.

I feel like I'm trying to give up stand up like Willow tried to give up magick. It feels like I have an addiction, a coping problem. It feels like a mental illness or an addiction that's hurting me, draining me of my own lifeforce. But I can't let go. In the end, stand up is part of me, it's in my heart, and I'm a part of it. I can't let it go.

Okay, you're so wonderful, thank you for reading all these and listening. I love your strength and power and vulnerability. I love you, Buffy. Thanks.

love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

So you know how I used to be bulimic, (or in other words super weak and not a strong idependent woman?) I've been struggling a lot with my relationship with food lately. (It gets mad at me when I talk to beer!) I've been trying so hard to get my eating back under control, but I'm under a lot of stress and I'm really overwhelmed with being pulled in lots of different directions. (By my emotions, people, and obligations, not an octopus monster.)

Every time I fall off the wagon and binge/ purge, or just binge, or just spend a day not eating, I feel like when Xander left Anya at the alter and she became a vengence demon again. It was like giving in to a coping mechanism that was comfortable. I remember when she realized she had killed all those frat boys and she just felt so pathetically paralyzed by guilt. Anya and I are both somewhere between good and evil on the spectrum of morality. Not everything is black and white. We don't want to hurt people, really, but we don't know any other way to cope with our dehibilitating pain. I hate that I hurt everyone I love. I don't want to punish other people for my own violent rageful evil.

I'm so sorry, Buff. Please don't be dissappointed in me.

love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

So I did this comedy competition the other day and didn't advance out of my heat. It was really heartbreaking to feel judged on the one thing I base my identity around. Like when you and Faith were both being judged by the council, you didn't hate Faith and you didn't want her to loose, but you still wanted to beat her. Competition is so weird, because it should be healthy, we're trying to be our best (hat tip Dollhouse), but it sucks that others have to do worse than us for us to feel good about ourselves, right?

I think I have a hard time because I live comedy, the way you do slaying. I want to be amazing at it. It does feel like a special power that I was chosen for sometimes, but also a lot like a burden. Unlike you, I feel like I'm not naturally gifted. I'm more like Billy the Vampire Slayer, someone born without abilities who worked really hard and tries to keep up with those who are called. My greatest fear in life is that comedy is a natural ability that can never be taught, and that I just don't have it. Because I'm too lazy to work for it like Billy. I'm too self involved to be okay with being the weaker power on the team, like Xander. I want to be gifted, like you, like Willow.

I probably would turn dark like Willow did if I had a gift. I don't want to be evil or to hurt anyone. I just want to be a force of love, goodness, and compassion. Remember when you went to the first slayer and asked if being a slayer meant you were full of darkness, and she said you were full of love? I want to be that way. But, probably I have to love myself first.

Hope your day is going well. I hope everything is back to normal with Dawnie. It was nice seeing Illyria last month. I miss Fred a lot. She was so sweet, smart, and gently strong.

You are my hero. Thanks for being a beacon of integrity, honesty, and feminist power.

love, Barbara

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

I smoked the marijuana for the first time in years yesterday. I know... if beer bad, how bad is pot? Well, less bad than beer. (I'm from Seattle, lady.) But everything in moderation? It's weird how when I smoke a teensy bit of weed or do anti anxiety medication I feel like my brain feels normal, which makes me thing that naturally unmedicated I am somehow broken or handicapped or inhibbited. Or maybe it's like when the council made Giles drug you with pills that made your powers go away... except my power is crippling social anxiety. And very few people are being saved by me panicking in the bathroom because I don't handle groups.

I wish I could use my anxiety and funnell it into art and create something that helps people. Art has helped me so much. I wish I could be a hero and make the world a better place like you. You save the entire planet again and again. But you also help and take care of your friends. I know you think that you were chosen to do this, that it was your calling. AND it was. But you made the choice to answer the calling, to be a good person and use your powers to help others. And I look up to you for that love. For someone who does so much kicking and punching and delves so much into darkness, you really are so full of nothing but love and compassion and integrity. And that's not your power, that's you. That's your choice.

I've been thinking more and more about how much of our actions is because "she's a good person" and how much of it is us choosing to being a good person, wanting to be a good person. I think if I want to help others and to be an artist, I have to be myself as much as possible. You are unequivablicly unapologetically genuinely exaclty yourself, always constantly. And who you are is amazing. (You saved Parker, for heck's sake!) I want to be myself, but I want myself to not be evil.

You are a bright and shining light of a slayer and a woman that brightens the lives of all around you.
Much love,
Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey girl, what's new? I haven't talked to you in a while. I hope everything is going well. I hope Dawnie is okay... I know how hard it is to be a big sister and worry about your siblings. You're like a big sister to a lot of people though, like the world. I look up to you a lot. You're such a warm, loving, person. You have too much love in your heart to be anything but strong.

So the other day I was getting hit on by this man fellow and then he got really mad at me when I turned him down. It kinda reminded me of Spike trying to guilt and pressure you into being with him. Don't get me wrong, I love Spike NOW. I hate when men try to shame women into being with them. It's so entitled. And never has guilt tripping and criticism made me think, "Gee, maybe I should reconsider this and give this guy a chance."

It's such a wonderful age of women right now. It's like women are so strong, smart, powerful, beautiful. It's like all the potentials now have slayer strength. I am not a bitch if I won't date you. I am a shining strong magickal being.

I have a show Friday I'm getting kinda nervous about. You never really seem to express anxieties. Sometimes when I'm trying to appear confident I try to hold my body language like you. Too weird? I wish you could come watch and support me. I think you would like my jokes.

Anyway, miss you buddy.
love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

Having a really hard time with anxiety lately. I feel like a little like I'm turning into a chaos demon, like Giles did when you were a freshman. But I wasn't cursed or poisoned or tricked. I just maybe naturally have the chaos demon writhing inside of me, trying to get out and wreak havok on innocents. I don't want to do bad things. I don't want to be a bad person. I want to be good. But everything feels tense, clenched up and violent inside of my heart sometimes.

I think it's because today is my birthday. I always feel so weird on my birthday because I've never felt like I've had a tight group of Scoobies like you do. I always feel like a burden when I ask people "Hey, want to celebrate my being born? Want to be happy and joyous about my existence?" It feels gross, since I feel guilty for my existence so much, so how could I ask others to rejoice it? I don't understand what the monks made me for, but I get the feeling it's something dark and apocolyptic.

I don't like the attention that comes with birthdays. It's a lot of affection that feels obligatory. I have already cried happy tears just from the sheer love that's come my way. It feels so good to be showered with love, I don't understand why people don't do it all the time. I kinda try to, but I'm not great at it yet. I'm a constant work in progress in my efforts to become a more compassionate, warm, loving person, one awkard complimentary confession of unbridled Peta Mallarkesque unconditional love at a time.

You're still one of my heroes. I wish I had your strength and ability to love passionately and unabashedly. Isn't it so great that we have these feelings? I might be part demon, but it's a kind of demon with a soul and an ability to love I think.

I don't know.
love you!
Babs

Dear Willow, (Care of Buffy)

Hey Will,

I know how hard everything's been with giving up the magicks. I'm so sorry for all of the pain you must be going through. I have had similar problems with food adiction, caused by intense anxiety. The nerves make it so easy to slip into an unhealthy vice like magick, especially when the vice gives you the strength to cope with circumstances that seem overwhelming. I think magick is a lot like food, in that you obviously can't give it up 100%, you just have to learn to have a healthy relationship with it.

I have been addicted to food for emotional anxiety reasons since I was about 12. I've burried all of my emotions in it. But lately I've been working on outgrowing that addiction, and obviously I can't just cut food out like alchohol or drugs, so I'm forced to learn to have a positive relation to it. It's been so difficult dealing with anxiety without that as a coping mechanism. I just have to let the anxiety wash over me and accept my feelings and then try to let go of them. I'm trying to accept anxiety, not obsess so much if everyone else is okay or if I'm constantly hurting my loved ones with my actions and words. But it's difficult because I know that I could just make it all go away if I curled up in a dark room with a pizza. And I'm sure the way I feel about pizza or sandwiches is the way you feel about the ability to rip a man's skin from his bones. (Yum, tomatoey!)

We just need to practice inner balance and love and compassion. The world is a beautiful place if we're not constantly crippled with our desperate, obsessive compulsive vices, no matter how cool it looks when you fly.

I admire you for your strength and inner grace that gives you the ability to be more powerful than magick, one of the most powerful forces in the universe. You are an inspiration to me and to women everywhere that deal with compulsions and stuff. Thank you for your wonderfulness and your power and unique, thoughtful perspective.

Blessed Be.
Love,
Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey girl! Sorry for saying "hey girl" that's not me. That's not us, our speech patterns. I hear a lot of men say that to each other lately and then laugh as if to say "wouldn't it be silly if we were girls? HAHAHA that is so ridiculous!" I don't like it. It seems like gender politics has been coming up a lot lately in the comedy community. It's weird that when you were in high school, over 13 years ago,  things seemed more progressive as far as sexual dynamics went, or maybe everyone was too worried about vampires and werewolves and apocolypses to say "hey you're a tiny little girl, you can't be a superhero!"

Hope Dawnie is okay. My heart goes out to you. I'm sending good vibes her way. Nothing is harder than fearing you're losing your sibling, the person you're closest too by blood and by love.

love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Yesterday I had a really hard day. I wrote something for a magazine and a lot of my "friends" posted things on there about how much of a bitch I am. It really hurt my feelings. I mean they didn't pull me out of a heavenly demension, make me dig out of my own grave, and then plop me straight into a biker fight, but that's because I guess they don't really love me. I guess they really aren't my friends. It was really hard for me. And my true friends were loyal and wonderful, of course, but it just sucked to be reminded that most people see me as a villian. It's not like I thought I was a hero, but I just thought I was a non-important character that didn't matter. It hurts a lot that I do matter, but in the bad way. I feel like something's wrong with me. I feel like how you must have felt when you came back and you realized Spike could hit you even though he had his chip in. I'm broken.

I love my scoobies, and I love you.
Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B! I'm sick (AGAIN!) but feeling in a super good mood, a little stressed, but good. I was watching some Glory tension climaxing last night and I realized that I would definitely sacrafice myself for a sibling or for the greater good, like you did. BUT I don't know if that's because I'm altruistic and a good person, or if I just don't value my existence at all, so it wouldn't matter if I sacraficed myself. It's hard to tell if there's every truly such thing as a selfless good deed, but I'm working on it. Did I just make it real sad?

My tummy hurts. I need to stop pretending food is love or comfort or the ability to have powerful magickal strength.

I believe in you and I appreciate all you do to inspire young women everywhere.

love, Babs

Dear Buffy

I was just thinking about how I have never really been invited to a wedding. I don't want to go to a wedding persai. I probably would feel anxious and uncomfortable and say something inappropriate and/or drunk, like one of Xander's relatives. I don't feel like I'm missing out that I've never gone, but I just feel a little depressed that I don't have any friends that close. You have such a close tight knit group of friends that you've known since you were 15 and have bonded with over life and death situations. I guess stand up kinda can feel like a life or death situation. And I do love my fellow comedians and performance artists more fiercly than I've ever loved anything. I just am a little envious of that bond that is forged from fighting the apocolypse and smelly demons over and over again. I don't know if I have anyone in my life that is so close with me they would invite me to the happiest day of their life.

I don't know.

Babs

Dear Buffy,

Last night I was having sorta a really panicky depressed night, which was weird because my day was great. I was having a wonderful happy day, and then all of the sudden one little tiny interaction made me the most anxious depressed demon in the world. When I got home I was miserable and lonely and sad and I couldn't even handle my own thoughts. I turned on an episode of Season 5... It worked like perfect escapism. The real world washed away and I immiedietly calmed down. It was the episode with the robot Warren made, designed specifically to love him, and then he didn't want her. The robot girlfriend really reminded me of my last relationship. At the begining, I was perfect for him, like I was designed and created to love him, and he pursued me relentlessly, and as soon as I reciprocated the feelings, he turned his off. I was programmed to love him and as soon as my programming was activated, it was like almost abrasive to him. I hate that, that a guy can like everything about you, but then as soon as you like them back they don't want anything to do with you. It makes me feel like shit, like there's something wrong with my programming, like I'm unlovable or evil. I get that the robot girl wasn't evil, she was just heartbroken and that somehow is more dangerous than real evil. I felt so bad for that robot girl. I thought you handled it very well. You might have only been a big sister for a few months, but it seems like you were made to love people. You have a really big heart. I hope one day I can be like you. I love and respect you for your compassion, sense of integrity, and strength for others.

This weekend I could use a little magick vibes. Have Willow send me a good thought.

love you forever, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B!

Sometimes I feel like I am almost like your opposite, a friendless, lonely, powerless, human with very few morals. I wish I was a more moral person. I wish I helped people with my art; but my part is not that of a slayer, not that of a hero. I am imagining dramatic girl rock music play behind me while I walk away in the rain.

I just saw the episode last night where you and Spike discover that Riley has been paying vamps to bite him. I'm so sorry you had to witness something that felt like such a betrayal. I hope you know, he was trying to hurt himself, not you. Sometimes people can get addicted to hurting themselves. I know I've had a lot of problems with emotional and mental anxieties, that can become encompassing and I get so submerged in them that it drowns out anything else. Sometimes people get so comfortable with their sicknesses, that they don't even want to get better, and it's terrifying, but it's not your fault. You can't slay everyone's inner demons.

You're my hero and my role model. I want my hair to be whatever length yours is in whatever medium I'm consuming at the time.

Hope you're having just the best day.

love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Lately I've been really worried that I'm a bad person, or filled with evil, or part demon. I kinda feel like Tara a little bit, when she was so worried about showing her evil true nature to her friends. She was so afraid of letting her darkness out and hurting people she loved. That's how I feel. Like I just need to stay away from anyone I care about because I don't want to hurt them with this bubbling darkness that I keep just below the surface. But obviously, Tara was not evil, so that's not applicable. I kinda feel like more like Anya when she backslided and relapsed into her demon ways. Like I want to be good, but I've just been through a lot of heartache and now I'm devolving into what is most comfortable for me: evil. Not that I think Anya was evil. I think she was kinda altruistic, enacting vengeance for people could be seen as standing up for victims. It's a gray area. Well, not to you, I suppose. You never fully warmed up to her, or Tara for that matter. I hope you don't, um, hate me.

Just hoping everything is gonna be okay,
Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B, I was thinking about how you got sick basically three times in the course of 9 times, while I seem to get sick like every other week, whenever my low self esteem starts inviting the germs in like the slowest most passive aggressive suicide attempt ever. Anywhoodles. You always seem to get sick for inixplicable magical reasons, which I can relate to. But then you, or one of your equally powerful strong friends, usually heals yourself; you save yourself constantly from all sorts of demons. I wish I could say the same. It sucks that I'm so much older than you, and the demons I battle are so much less life threatening and serious. I'm embarrassed that I have to fight the body image and I-think-I'm-a-horrible-person demons. It feels so silly to have these problems at my age. I feel pathetic and weak, the opposite of a slayer, a victim. In Charmed they call the victims "innocents" which is more empowering, but doesn't feel right because I'm a lot like Brittany Spears, not that good of a singer. I wish I was inspiringly badass, sweet, caring, quirkily witty and good at dancing like you. I wish I was strong enough that I could conquer all of my problems without feeling embarrassed. I wish I was more like you. Sometimes I practice walking like you. I need a hug. Can Willow do a spell to make me love myself?

I love you and I love everything you do for young women, for your friends, for innocent people everywhere, and I appreciate your powers, abilities, strength, and kindness.

Oh, I don't know.
Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

Sorry I haven't written in a while. I just got a job! Finally. I'm a productive member of society again! By which I mean I'm working at a call center. It's actually really awesome and I love it. I want to be really good at it. It's hard starting something new because I don't like not being good at things. I'm like "why does she have gold stars on her desk? I know I've worked here two days but I want one!" You know what it's like not being the best at things- oh sorry, of course you don't. You're Buffy. Sometimes it's hard being friends with someone so perfect, but I make it work.

I'm going through another unrequitted love situation. Surprised? It seems to be my M.O. (Doe MO stand for Monster Obligation?) Both you and Willow seem to get your heart shattered into a bzillion pieces and then eaten and then vommitted back up into the mouth of a octopus waaaaaay less than I do. Maybe that's because you have more important things to worry about with all the apocalypses. Or maybe it's because you're both such strong, smart, beautiful, kind, loving, passionate women that anyone would be dumb to turn away from you. Unlike me. I am not a heroine. I am a side character. It's stupid to even compare my life to yours when if I lived in a Whedon universe I wouldn't be a sassy quirky adorable hero. I'd be the mean villian girl's fat dumb friend.

Too dark?

Comedy's going okay. I'm making art and I'm sorta jogging again and I'm trying to be happy. Is it difficult work for most people to be happy? Or do others do it easily? I feel like I throw money and time into so many resources just for the hope of one day not thinking about suicide. It's a constant every day struggle to just see some hope. And other people just never even worry about it, right? Oh, B... it's getting darker and weirder and harder.

I want to be a better person. I want to be kind and loving and emotionally and physically healthy and empathetic towards others. I don't know if that'll ever happen. I am too selfish and narcissistic to ever be anything but a vampire. But I weirdly possess some self awareness of my own inherent evils, but not the altruism to do something about them?

Man, high school's weird, amiright? HAHAHAHAHAHA.

I miss you. I miss me. I think.

Love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

I have so many feelings! I just watched the Thanksgiving episode. It might be my least favorite. NOT because of you or anything anyone did. Everyone was beautiful and brilliant. Maybe I just hate Thanksgiving. I never look forward to national bulimic day coming back up. (Pun so intended.) Spike is so layered and weird. I am really developing sympathy for him, despite the fact that he did such horrible deeds and he is such a pig. I guess, I myself have done really horrible things and I'm kinda hoping that now I'm starting to kinda get redemption. I'm working on being a better person and I think I'm learning from my mistakes, but it's hard because I'm not as strong as I'd like to be to fully not make the same mistakes again.

Anywhoodles. Miss you tons. Hold Willow for me, okay? I know it doesn't seem like as big as stopping an apocalypse but it still hurts. When a guy leaves but it's not you, it's him, but it sorta feels like it's definitely you.... I know Greg Behrendt (He's Just Not That Into You) would have feelings to say about that... Gosh that hurts. HUG HER HUG HER HUG HER okay.

Miss you, B!
love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B! I'm having kinda a hard couple of days, or weeks, or maybe a month. I'm watching reruns to help me... But it's kinda weird because we know each other so well, it's almost not escapism anymore. It's like, oh Buffster is fighting a giant monster while a wiccan gets her heart broken and a vampire drowns his emotions in violent outbursts; this is almost TOO relateable. I just watched "Beer Bad." I totally underestimated that episode. Usually I think it's dumb. I'm kinda going through some boy involved heart hurting time so it really hit the spot. We're so conditioned by romantic comedies to want that happy ending. But is it happy? I really craved that Mr. Darcy-esque scene where Parker realized he made a mistake hurting you and begged for your forgiveness, and then you hit him over the head with a stick. Perfect. You're an inspiration to women, heroes, and people who dislike tired plot tropes.

Miss you. I really need a girlfriend to be a big spoon sometimes.

love, Babs.

Dear Buffy,

Hey B!

I went to Eugene last night and headlined a show! It was so much fun to get to do a longer set. It felt like i was really working out my strengths and training hard. I don't get to do that a lot. I did 40 minutes! It was so scary, like coming into slayer powers. Okay, I'm sorry for bragging. That's the difference between slayers and comedians; comedians have to kinda hate themselves if they want to keep any of their friends.

I'm trying really hard to make friends and get better at talking to people. I'm still so shy. I remember when Willow used to be like this, but even then she was interesting and funny and smart and could talk to people. I guess I don't think she seemed that shy. She talked to lots of people, she just did it sorta quietly and politely. Maybe I should try that, being polite? Now I have to google how to be polite!

Anywhoodles. I miss you. I'm lonely.
love, Babs

Dear Buffy

Dear Buffy,

I'm sitting in a coffee shop writing this, thinking of you. It's been so long since I had a job-job (not a comedy related freelance project) I was just thinking "I like coffee shops. I wonder how Buffy got that job in a coffee shop. Oh I would probably be bad at that." My self esteem's kinda low lately for comedy and otherwise. I think I need Giles, or a therapist. I know, your experience with therapists wasn't that good, but they can be really important and helpful. I can definitely tell that I haven't seen one in a while. It's really manifesting in my interpersonal relationships. I'll be like "no one wants me around" but I know they don't not want me around. People don't actively disdain my presence; they don't even think about me. (There's a real perk of being a wallflower) People don't hate me; they nothing me. Oh uh, maybe I'll turn invisible like Willow accidentally did.

Anywhoodles. I miss you a lot. I'm getting really lonely. Write back?

Love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B! How's it going? I haven't really heard from you in a while. It's all Billy this, Billy that. He's a really nice guy, but he's no slayer! In comedy when we talk about someone negatively behind their back (like jerks) a lot of times we're like, "He's a great guy." OR "She's funny." (See what I did there? Feminism lalala!) My point is Buffster, in the beautiful realm of sequential art, I don't wanna read about no Y-chromosome owner unless I do and then it's probably Peter Parker, sniff sniff, hold me?

Anywhoodles. Portland, in true form to it's mantra, got weird. You know what's unrealistic? They never really showed someone like Jonathon asking you out and you having to figure out how to deal with it, although I'm sure it happened a ton.

I wish I was better at comedy. I wish I was better at everything. You never really had anyone better than you at slaying to look up to. That's kinda a weird dynamic. Whenever I see my wonderful funny friends doing something I feel so inspired to be better, but sometimes I feel frustrated, because what if intrinsically I'm just incapable of that level of cleverness and charm? What if a sense of humor is a natural ability, that no matter how hard I work, I just will never have?

I get excited about veiny black eyed Willow. Mostly because after Tara (RIP) I kinda trust Will to be strong enough to jump out of it. That's how I used to be with nervous breakdowns. Yes, I'm crying and shaking, but I'm a strong person and I know how to fight this. Now I don't know. Knock on coffee cup!

love ya!
Babs