Scene:
We see a high school, filled with kids of varying ethnicities, qualities, diversity. The camera pans track field with runners, cheerleaders, band room, art room, mathletes, stoners. We see Buffy Summers, 16, sitting on the school steps laughing hard at something with a bunch of other 16 year old kids. Buffy is very tiny, she has a perky blonde pony-tail, is dressed in a very ‘i-don’t-give-a-fuck’ boldness, band t-shirt cropped off at belly button, leopard print shorts, chuck taylors. She has a bright and cheerful aura.
Buffy:
Voice over:
It all started when I was just any other normal teenage girl. Wait, hold up, what the heck is a “NORMAL” teenage girl? Nail polish and magazines about what Channing Tatum looks like with his shirt off? No way. There’s no kid who feels quote-en-quote normal in the vast and treacherous world of teenage-dom. You’ve got the jocks, the goth kids, the brainy people, the kids with parents who want them to like be a doctor or something, the arty kids, the kids with no real identifier like me- I don’t know. Everyone feels like they don’t fit in. We all feel different and isolated and terrified. But we all look the same to whoever or whatever is out there waiting for us.
Scene:
We see Buffy walking down a street later in the afternoon/ evening. She’s wearing a jacket over top of her previous outfit and listening to headphones. Music starts to get creepier. Buffy pauses and takes a headphone out. She looks down a dark alley.
Buffy:
Hello?
Buffy starts walking down dark alley, slowly. She looks afraid. She pulls her arms in close and looks around her. Behind her we see a big man silently appear and follow her. She continues to walk, seemingly unaware, down the dark alley. Buffy pauses again.
Buffy:
H-Hello? ...Anyone there?
Now we see a group of creepy looking guys all around her. They appear from the shadows and start to close in, except one who lays back. He is holding someone in a headlock but we don’t see her that closely yet. The creepy men have distorted faces, bumpy foreheads, fangs, yellow eyes.
Buffy does a back spring, kicking one of the vampires in the face. She lands grabs one vampire, throws him up against the wall.
Buffy:
I said, “Anyone there?” What’s the matter? Are you super rude or does the taste for nubile teenager blood got your tongue?
Buffy spins around, slaying vampires gracefully and athletically with a wooden stake. They turn to dust around her. She pins one down.
Vampire:
You’re her! The- the vampire slayer!
Buffy:
Oh, do I have a reputation? You know you shouldn’t believe gossip. Once Ellie told Abby I slept with Steven and I totally still have my V-card.
Buffy stakes vampire and jumps up agilly. The second to last vampire attacks her. She throws him over her shoulder.
Buffy:
You dummies always fall for the whole “oh I’m a little defenseless blonde girl walking down a dark alley at night.” Please. I’m not that cliche.
Buffy stakes vampire. She turns and we see the final vampire. He’s holding another teenage girl, nerdy, glasses. (Willow.) She looks scared.
Buffy:
Let her go, Four-teeth.
Vampire:
Or what? You’ll jokey-sass me to death?
Buffy:
You know who I am, right? Super powers? Totally trained and chosen to slay soulless vampires? Ring any ringtones?
Vampire:
To kill a vampire you must stake it through the heart with wood. So I think me and my human sheild will be going now.
Vampire starts to back away from Buffy, holding Willow up as a barrier. Buffy looks around at her surroundings. She picks up a rock and throws it at some scaffalding behind the vampire. The scaffalding tips forward and a piece of wood, a 2x4, slides down and plunges the vampire in the back. He turns to dust. Willow falls to her knees coughing.
Buffy:
Willow! What the what are you doing hanging out with a vampire?
Willow cleans her glasses and gets up.
Willow:
Thanks, Buffy. You saved my life.
Buffy:
Yeah, duh. But seriously. You must have known he was undead.
They start to walk home.
Willow:
I-I didn’t. I just assumed he was really flirtatious and sexually assertive.
Buffy balks.
Buffy:
Counting the ways that sentence doesn’t lead to confusion and nausea…
Willow:
I just wanted to be with a boy to see if I liked it.
Buffy:
I can’t think of anything less likeable than boinking a vampire.
Willow:
No, I wanted to see if I liked it with a- Um, have you ever thought about- nevermind. Buffy, I think there’s something wrong with me.
Buffy:
Willow, you can tell me anything.
Willow:
Yeah.
Buffy:
Twilight is fiction, girlfriend. Vampires are real.
