Dear Buffy,

Dear B,

I’m having a kinda great day, kinda terrible, you know, the vast complexities of the human condition. On the one hand, it’s been 22 days since I’ve purged, which is the longest I’ve gone since I was about 11. I feel really strong and healthy for breaking that record. And now every day is a new personal best! On the other hand, I’m still lonely, even more introverted, (if that’s possible. Damn, girl, if I get any more introverted than this I’m just gonna be inside out: cc: Warren.) And I’m still insecure if my friends like me.

I’m wearing Buffy shoes (high heeled black pleather boots) today but I lack Buffy posture, Buffy dance moves, Buffy sassiness, Buffy-ability-to-believe-in-myself-and-others. I guess I do believe in others, I just have problems believing that anyone could love me, that I could deserve kindness, that I’m selfless, loving, strong, or genuinely compassionate enough to deserve anything from my amazing friends.

Miss you, B, I miss all the scoobies…

Love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed lately. I guess I'm still sad about not getting that dream job. But I'll have more dream jobs opportunities every month that I can consistently mess up and fail to acquire. I guess I shouldn't complain about my vast varied ample chances to fail. However, I do envy your set path of destiny. You have a purpose in the world. You know where and how you fit in, how you can help. I thought that was me with comedy and writing, but I guess I was wrong. I wish I had a purpose or a destiny. I feel so lost now. I don't feel chosen for anything anymore. Maybe no one is really destined or chosen for gigs like slayers. Maybe no powers are innate and magickal. Maybe I can take up cheerleading.

I just was reading Fray and I couldn't help but worry about how alone she is. You're so lucky you have scoobies. I have been feeling a little isolated lately. (Maybe an affect of the depression, or maybe everyone is isolating themselves in this weather, or maybe I'm just starting to date someone new so I'm kinda withdrawn, or I dunno, just probably feeling rejected and distant b/c of the job thing still.)

I'm kinda lonely. I miss you, B. I wish you and Will were here.

Dear Buffy,

So, once again I failed to get a job I thought I was a good fit for. You have so much success in your career as a slayer, it's almost hard explaining what this is like to you. I fail and am rejected constantly for jobs and when it's something like a gig at a big comedy club, like sure I'm not the right fit for that, but this was a monologue joke based writing job that relied on smart one liner powers, one of my gifts, something I consider myself chosen for. And I didn't get it. I am the right kind of comedian for this, the right style and type, and I just didn't get something I was a good fit for because I'm not funny enough.

I think it's kind of like when you went to fight Caleb the first time and he beat you (and omg poor Xan, he never saw that coming! oh sorry pun unintended sorry I'll see myself out.) But it sucks because with Caleb you thought that was your calling, you thought you and your little slayer army would easily slaughter him, as per your destiny. And is that cocky? To have confidence in ONE ability, a superiority complex at one talent, and then to have that pulled out from under you like a magic carpet made of yucky snakes!

I guess I need to check my hubris, remember that I'm still a potential, not a slayer, and I need to stop expecting to do well at things. I thought I was working hard, but I guess I have "to work twice as hard to be half as good." (Amy about Willow.) I can't think of myself as a good writer yet, I have the potential but I'm not there yet. Maybe I never will be. And am I okay with that? Am I okay with not being chosen for anything, ever? Never being special?

I'm beating myself up a lot for it, feeling not funny, not good enough, comparing myself to other writers, crying a lot. And it's so hard. I feel like I suck at the one thing I want to be good at, the one thing that makes me feel like I belong.

I  don't feel chosen right now.

I think I need like a scythe.

love you, B
Barbara

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

Sorry I haven't written in a while. Things have been so psycho killer cray cray. Lots of boy drama. I know; I should be strong and smart enough to not let anything with a guy affect who or what I am. I'm 26, an artist, a good friend, I help people, and I love very deeply all of my friends and family. I'm "...full of love. It burns brighter than the fire." Okay, well maybe that's part of the problem. I just watched the episode where the teenage boy had the magic love spell coat and it made everyone love him. I wanna get a coat like that only instead of making people love me maybe it would make comedy love me, or cats. I liked how you saved Dawn and said, "I wish I could just give him to you. You're scaring me so much. No boy is worth your life." You're such a good big sister!

Comedy's going okay. I'm sorta working hard, sorta going crazy, sorta getting funnier, sorta falling into a dark pit that was covered by leaves and twigs but it was a trap and now I'm inside and it's all dark but hey there's sammiches down here!

I have a friend who wants me to move to New York with him. I don't think I'm ready to be in a big city with a huge professional comedy scene full of great comics working really hard who are all hilarious and driven and unique and talented. Except I really want that. But I'm scared. I love Portland. I have scoobies here.

Miss you, B. Thanks for taking care of Anya. She needs you.

You're a sweet, wonderful, strong, loving, righteous, heroic, integrity filled, slayer.

love, Babs