Sunday, December 28, 2014

Dear Buffy,

Last night and the night before I had a dream that I was on a date with Spike. I think he had his soul at this point, but it was maybe in the post saving the world situation because he was cocky and stuff. On one of the dates it was Valentine's Day and it was a super fancy classy vampire bar (I know, weird, right?) full of witches and demons and I fit right in even though I was clearly very shy and inexperienced in the black arts, but also in social situations and dating. I'm not inexperienced in sex, just dating. (I mean, it's not like you were a pro at it when you guys hooked up...) At one point during the date Spike said, "Oh, don't look now, Pet, but your ex is here and he brought his trollop. I'm so sorry, love. Do you want to make out to make him jealous?" And then we had a steamy make out but there was no ex there whatsoever! So fricking cheeky!

love,
Babs

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Dear Buffy,

I'm like Spike after he came back from the dead (I guess the second time?). I feel like I'm fading from everyone and everything, unable to touch or interact. However, I didn't get to do anything really rad like save the world in a super self sacraficial heroic way. How come that prophecy thing for sure isn't about Spike? The idea of destiny seems so cheesy in Angel, but that's kinda how I feel lately, like my entire life has been decided and that it's futile for me to even be trying because I'll never get to "be a real boy" to use Spike's phrasing.

love you lots,
B

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Dear Buffy,

Hi B!

This last week I've been feeling... (what if I just ended the letter there? ha.) feeling a lot like Willow season six dealing with her magic addiction. I feel like I just said, "I'm stronger than this. I can beat this." (About my foods problems, not literal magic.) Of course, Will was 21 when she went through that and I'm 27.... ugh.... I wouldn't be judging anyone else if they went through what I go through, and yet I'm so hard on myself. And, it's not like I crashed a car with my mind and broke the arm of anyone's kid sister. I am my own kid's sister. (That would be a great band name.) I feel like you just hid all of my magic stuff and took away all of my crystals and candles but Amy the ex-rat is still lurking about.

It's not my fricking birthday.

love, Babs

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Dear Buffy,

Hey Buff,

So, I'm not doing so well, which you probably assumed because I'm writing to you. I'm having a really hard time with comedy and my food problems. I feel like Faith, alone, isolated, like I don't have anyone really close to me, mostly because I don't let them get close to me. I let my fear and sadness evolve into anger like she does and then I allow that anger to propel my fight (for her literal fighting and slaying, for me comedying). I wish I was like you, propelled by love to fight. I wish I felt like I was full of love and it burned brighter than the fire. But, in the end, I just feel like I'm all alone, like the episode where Willow came back and made herself invisible accidentally and got locked in a cave with a blood slurping demon. All alone, little lamb.

love, Babs

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

As per usual, I'm going all wonky about life. All my food is coming to life and staring at me and telling me how I feel. Can food read minds? Did it get an aspect of a demon? And even if food is psychic, how did it get so pushy? I feel like the food problem might be coming back to life, like Willow slaughtered a deer over a gravestone and wiped blood on her t-zone. I'm not like seriously falling off the wagon, more like when Amy gave Willow a birthday present spell and she sorta fell off the wagon, but it didn't count because Amy dosed her, and she didn't work the magicks herself. That's how I feel. I ate a lot the last few days, but I didn't throw up so it's my birthday?

Lotsa questions. Fun.
love, Babs

Friday, October 31, 2014

Dear Buffy,

Hey Bb! Happy Halloweeeeeeen!

Halloween is supposed to be the one day of the year (in the Buffyverse) when demons take the night off from inflecting evils. If we're going to carry this metaphor into my life (as I always do) that would mean tonight is the night in which all of my inner demons (anxiety, depression, struggling with comedy, boys, friendships, etc) chill the heck out. Well, we'll see! I think I love Halloween because I love the escapism of dressing up and I love watching scary movies and thinking about ghosts and goblins and anything in the fantasy realm, because it takes me away from my own life. I love ghosts and vampires and witches because when they're around everyone is as scared and anxious as I am EVERY DAY EVER. I have to go to LA next week and audition for this thing,... and I'm second guessing all of my powers and abilities. I feel like I'm battling Glory, and I can't beat her, but I have to keep fighting, or quit.

love, Babs

Monday, October 13, 2014

Dear Buffy,

I met a new hot male character! Not that this show is all about the love interests; it's primarily about me and how I kick ass while striving to grow up in a crazy confusing world. But the male characters are so totes dreamy! Can't a girl fight the apocalypse and go out on a date every once in a while too? Remember when you thought Angel wasn't into your looks because he was used to girls who put a lot of effort in, so you tried really hard to be fancy and then you accidentally got turned into your costume on Halloween? That's kinda how I feel; like I'm sure this dude is used to hot babes and not, well... but then I remember that Angel said he was much more attracted to you because you're so smart and interesting and weird and fun and that's the most important thing. Wow, sorry for bringing up Angel so much. You're better than him. Boys are weird. Vampires are weirder. They kinda suck.

Okay... um...
love you lots,
Babs

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Dear Buffy,

Good morning! Yes, I'm up before noon! I'm such a Willow! Actually lately I've been feeling kinda more like Giles felt in Season 4 when Buffy started spending all of her time with Riley and the Initiative and Dr. Rude Walsh. I feel like totes out of touch, like my art is now irrelevant, but it's not like I can go back to England. (They don't even have burritos there.) I work so hard on my jokes and my stage presence and my writings, but I feel like everyone's just like "yaaaawn, we get it, lady, feminism fairies blah blah." I just moved into a new place, which is exactly what you are doing right now in the comics. It is exciting; it feels grown up, or like I'm cosplaying as a grown up.

Blah blah,
love you,
Babs

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Dear Buffy,

Hi B,

I feel like everything is simultaneously falling apart and coming together. Like one minute I'm falling down and practically totaling my bike while losing my debit card, and the next minute my comedy career is doing really well. Sometimes I wonder what we sacrafice for our callings. You put so much of yourself into slaying, and I put so much of me into comedy, that is there any wonder I don't have the energy to clean my room or not be drunk? WHO HAS THE TIME TO NOT BE DRUNK WHEN THERE ARE DEMONS AFOOT? Maybe I just need to be invisible for a day. 

love B,


Thursday, September 25, 2014

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

I know it's been a minute since I wrote. I guess everything has been going fineish, or at least manageable. "I'm handling" as you would say. And it's not like things are getting any less hellmouthy around here in the life of a comedian, I think I'm getting stronger and more capable of dealing with the demons. (Mostly inner demons.) But obviously, even though I'm getting funnier, smarter, more empathetic, kinder... I'm still struggling and I still slip up and fail a lot, especially socially. My social life is like the vampire that hurt you, even though you were better, in season five. "I'm in the best physical shape of my life. I mean, if you're asking how it happened..." And maybe it'll always be that way.

love,
Babs

Friday, August 22, 2014

Dear Buffy,

Hey buddy,

How's life going? I'm at a weird stage; I guess I feel like "I'm going through the motions." I'm kinda just treading water as far as my comedy career goes, like you did in season four when you asked Giles to start training you harder and be your watcher again. I do feel like my art itself is getting better and that I'm continuing to grow as a comic in new and exciting ways, but career wise I'm just... stuck. I think part of it is my depression and anxiety; they keep me from furfilling my full potential, like "the curse" keeps Angel from one moment of true happiness aka orgasming inside you. When my depression gets bad it feels like I'm stuck inside my own head, like you were literally when you thought you had lost Dawn to Glory. I wish I had a Willow to pull me out of my head. Bryan used to do that for me. I wish I could be strong enough to help others the way you and Bryan do. I wanna help. I don't wanna be a burden. I wanna be strong.

walk through the fire,
Babs

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,
I seriously feel like I have a chip in my head that is stopping me from "killing." (I killing mean on stage, not like literal vamp on neck kill action.) I have to start training harder. I need a watcher, but I feel like I'm almost too old to be a good slayer. I need to be my own watcher. I don't feel chosen right now. I still feel strong, but you know, outside looking in, like Faith. Well, I keep plugging or whatevs and I'll be 5x5.

love, B

Monday, July 14, 2014

Dear Buffy,

I feel like I've been split in two halves like Xander, one successful, good half and one screw up half, by the demon Toff. Obviously, I feel like the screw up half. I wonder where the half of me that has her shit together is. Probably sexing hot men and writing incredible jokes and makiiiiing it. (What is the "it" that I'm supposed to be making? I need a watcher.) I think I was just recently Parker Abrams-ed (from Season 4). I am getting so good at getting rejected by dudes that I am bouncing back quite bouncily. That may or may not be a good thing. I feel like you when you were searching for the first slayer to ask about love. Is slaying making me "hard," am I losing my warmth and my ability to love? Am I needing to be strong and guarding myself so much that I'm not letting anyone else in? Or does my strength come from my ability to love? Does it burn brighter than the fire?

Miss you, B.

love, B.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Dear Buffy,

I've been feeling a little lost lately. Like, I feel like if I was a slayer but one day I woke up and I wasn't a slayer, and then what would my purpose be? Except, I was never really a slayer to begin with, was I? Well, at least not in the traditional sense. But I certainly don't feel all that extradinary lately. I don't feel special. And, it's not like I expect to feel like I'm "...one girl in all the world, she alone..." level of special. But I wish every one felt "chosen" for something or other. I do believe that about most people, just not myself lately. My friends are so incredible, it's hard not to look at them and see their magicks. Everyone around me is spectacular, a hero, and I guess that makes me the Zeppo. I guess I think that everyone has powers and mine will probably come back eventually, (like yours after your 18th birthday test). Regardless, the best part about my life is the incredible, sweet, talented, brilliant scoobies I am surrounded by.

I love you B,
B

Friday, May 30, 2014

Dear Buffy,

Hey girl,

How's it going, B? I'm great, generally really happy, either that or I'm totally lying to myself girl. Regardless, that's probably not even that bad... You are strong for your friends and family and you put on a brave face, and I guess that's what I think I've been doing for myself. Before I can fight all the demons and save the scoobies, I gotta fight my own inner demons and save myself, right? Anywhoodles, I've been doing real good, having fucking fun all the time, being the id of me. I'm like Willow when she and Amy were doing all the magicks and you and Faith when you were partying before Faith went evil and accidentally stabbed a dude. Except I'm my own Faith. I'm my own dark side and I nurture that part of me and take care of her. I can't let my inner id wither despite all my responsibilities and duties. You know why I can't just forget about id-girl? "Because it's wrong."

Hope all is totes shiny,
love you brighter than the fire, Babs

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Dear Buffy,

Hey B, it's me, B...

So, I've been reading about this "yesallwomen" and "notallmen" twitter party. I wasn't trying to get involved because the folks who started it were defensive, overcompensating, "nice guys" aka a bunch of whiny Jonathons. However, after the drama hurt some of my friends very badly, it started to get to me.

Anyway, on a completely unrelated note... Hey, Buffy, did you know...

Not all vampires are soulless. Well two have souls, Spike and Angel and they got them through fighting a demon and being cursed by gypsies respectively. Most are soulless.

Not all vampires murder humans. Most do, traditionally. However there's a lot in the Twilight universe and Being Human who choose to be "vegetarian" vampires. And that freaks me out even more that there vampires do have a choice and most of them choose willingly to be blood sucking evil murderers. It's terrifying.

Not all vampires burn in the sunlight. It's not like they'll get a tan or anything.

Not all vampires lack a reflection. How else could you explain how attractive and well groomed and shaven the all are?

And, well, Yes All Slayers are amazing, strong, beautiful, brilliant, loving, passionate women with the potential and the power to help others.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Dear Buffy,

Hey girl, um, um... oh my god am I the Angel of my own life? Do I just exist in each episode to be emo and create tension for the protagonist (who is also me)? I'm always standing outside my own room in the shadows looking forlorn and worried and like a sad puppy. I'm vibing really loudly, "Someone love me!" but I'm vibing that at myself. And then I'm like, "Hey dork, if you want me to love you (myself) then be loveable!"

Last night I watched the episode where you try to make Thanksgiving and get haunted. Spike's really funny in it. And white guilt is always good fun.

I'm trying to get my life in order. I just got a new awesome job. I sorta did some laundry. I cleaned my room and went to the doctor... I still feel lonely and lost. I want to feel like I'm loved and a part of something. I'm working so hard to get my life together, but I still feel like I'm floundering somewhat. I just no matter what still feel like... "I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m- or enjoy warm, delicious, cookie me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done."

Miss you, B. 
love, Babs

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Dear Buffy,

Hey girl,

I've been feeling really depressed lately, like I should be doing more with my life, I should be farther along in my career, but instead I'm just floating, drinking, smoking, sexing, partying. I'm like you and Faith in "Bad Girls" before the accidental staking. Great, all I need to do is to accidentally murder a bad guy to knock some sense into me and make me turn my life around. Piece of stake. I do feel like I work really hard on my art, like you do with slaying, but maybe I'm having too much fun in Portland, being too much of a free spirited teenager, like when you got invisibility powers for a day: it was really fun and freeing and you felt like you didn't have to be accountable, but you were sorta disappearing in the process. Ugh, why do I have to think my thoughts and feel my feelings so hard? Oh, right, because your new comic hasn't come out yet... but soonsies! Yay, escapism!

Thanks for saving the world a lot.

love, Babs

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

DEAR BUFFY,

Hey B,

Is this what happiness feels like? I feel super happy with my life with my friends and my love life. I adore my scoobies. Actually, honestly, I'm probably the scoobie and maybe Jen is the you. Except on Saturday I took a quiz and it said if I was a Whedon heroine I would be you because I'm witty and I love my friends more than anything. BUT there's a small chance I might have tried to trick the quiz to get that answer. I wish I thought about my friends more than anything. I wish I was like you, a better friend and sister. I also wish I was like you in the aspect of making something happen with my life. I feel so lost, like I'm not doing anything. I constantly work on my comedy and performance art stuff, and I DO think I'm getting better, but I don't barely notice that my career trajectory is moving forward at all. Life's not a song...

ANYWHOODLES
love you so much, B,
Can't wait to see you again in the comics. I've missed you A LOT.

Babs

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Dear Buffy,

HEY B!

Valentine's Day is tomorrow. Have you EVER celebrated Valentine's Day? And by celebrated I don't mean partied via slayage of evil demons. I guess that's technically what any party should be ostensibly, the slaying of evil mental demons, dark thoughts, the banishment and exorcism of anxieties, etc. Having a holiday for the sole purpose of celebrating love is weird. Shouldn't all holidays celebrate love? It burns brighter than the fire. Love will lead us to our gift. Except love with Angel because he suuuuuucks. Literally. Ugh.

My life is going okay, as usual struggling with my career or lack thereof. I so want to have a destiny, to be chosen. I want to believe that EVERYONE is chosen, that every woman is special to existence with the potential to help others and save the world a lot.

I dunno. Yeah.
love,
Babs

Friday, February 7, 2014

Dear Buffy,

Hey gurl,

It's totes snowy here in the land of Ports. I feel like I've had a little bit of writer's block the last couple days. I don't know what to do with my brain. It feels like I may be losing my creative powers. I think falling for a dude has made me soft and weak, like you did to Spike. (But in the long run, it made Spike stronger than he had ever been, because from love comes strength.) It feels kinda sad seeing a lot of my friends succeed around me, and not doing so myself. And it's my own fault, I'm not working, not training, not learning. I'm not hunting the vampires, so why would I expect them to just fall on my stake?

Stay warm. Strong is fighting.
love,
Babs

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

DEAR BUFFY,

Hey B,

I am at work right now but it's weirdly chill at the moment. Usually it's so busy I don't get a lot of time to write to you. I'm a little stressed that I'm 26 and still working in a call center, that I don't really have a direction for my career. You're lucky you have such an obvious destiny, must take a lot of the wondering out, but not the wonders. I just want to be "chosen" for something. I just want to develop magickal witch powers so I can go from being a hapless, clueless, dork to a dynamic vibrant multidimensional wiccan... I'd probably use my powers for only good, I think.

I just had an amazing weekend with all of my friends in San Francisco and now I want to work harder. I feel like when you met Kendra and she was so ambitious and professional and it made you feel insecure.

This dude I was dating for a minute called me inconsiderate of others, and he wasn't wrong. I mean obviously, I love my friends with a love that burns brighter than the fire. I'm full of love. That's why I shy away from it. But despite that, I kinda have held him at arms length, and Riley/ Xander sized arms, not Babs sized arms. I've kinda treated him A LOT like how you treated Riley in season 5. And it's not him AT ALL. He's a sweetie, a total babe, but I just have been hurt so much when I let myself be vulnerable with men, now I treat them like a vampire: no one gets invited in. I don't wanna get hurt so I try to do whatever I want to do and not allow myself to think of a dude's feelings, because if I think about their feelings, I'll just dwell on the fact that they don't feel like they like me. It hurt a fucking lot to be called inconsiderate, but I should work on lowering my guard a little maybe.

Love,
Babs

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Dear Buffy,

Hey girl, sorry I haven't written in a while. I guess I'm a bad pen pal. You'd probably treat your pen pals better. I wish I was a better friend to you and to all of my friends, like you are to your scoobies. But I just have so many people that I feel like depend on me that if I spend all that energy trying to make everyone happy, trying not to fail, trying to just stay afloat and not succumb to the demons in my brain, I barely have time to do basic life stuff. Like I'm kinda busy fighting angry demons in my own head and inside the heads of others in preparation for the coming mental apocalypse, (band name?) so sometimes banal chores slip through the butt cracks. Who's gonna take care of me? Maybe I'm too old to want/ need someone to take care of me.

"Strong is fighting."

I'm like really into my boyfriend right now, which hasn't happened in a few years. Too bad he probably will get freaked out and run away to splitsville when he finds out what kind of demon I am.

love, Babs