Thursday, April 25, 2013

Dear Buffy,

Hey B! I'm sick (AGAIN!) but feeling in a super good mood, a little stressed, but good. I was watching some Glory tension climaxing last night and I realized that I would definitely sacrafice myself for a sibling or for the greater good, like you did. BUT I don't know if that's because I'm altruistic and a good person, or if I just don't value my existence at all, so it wouldn't matter if I sacraficed myself. It's hard to tell if there's every truly such thing as a selfless good deed, but I'm working on it. Did I just make it real sad?

My tummy hurts. I need to stop pretending food is love or comfort or the ability to have powerful magickal strength.

I believe in you and I appreciate all you do to inspire young women everywhere.

love, Babs

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Dear Buffy

I was just thinking about how I have never really been invited to a wedding. I don't want to go to a wedding persai. I probably would feel anxious and uncomfortable and say something inappropriate and/or drunk, like one of Xander's relatives. I don't feel like I'm missing out that I've never gone, but I just feel a little depressed that I don't have any friends that close. You have such a close tight knit group of friends that you've known since you were 15 and have bonded with over life and death situations. I guess stand up kinda can feel like a life or death situation. And I do love my fellow comedians and performance artists more fiercly than I've ever loved anything. I just am a little envious of that bond that is forged from fighting the apocolypse and smelly demons over and over again. I don't know if I have anyone in my life that is so close with me they would invite me to the happiest day of their life.

I don't know.


Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Dear Buffy,

Last night I was having sorta a really panicky depressed night, which was weird because my day was great. I was having a wonderful happy day, and then all of the sudden one little tiny interaction made me the most anxious depressed demon in the world. When I got home I was miserable and lonely and sad and I couldn't even handle my own thoughts. I turned on an episode of Season 5... It worked like perfect escapism. The real world washed away and I immiedietly calmed down. It was the episode with the robot Warren made, designed specifically to love him, and then he didn't want her. The robot girlfriend really reminded me of my last relationship. At the begining, I was perfect for him, like I was designed and created to love him, and he pursued me relentlessly, and as soon as I reciprocated the feelings, he turned his off. I was programmed to love him and as soon as my programming was activated, it was like almost abrasive to him. I hate that, that a guy can like everything about you, but then as soon as you like them back they don't want anything to do with you. It makes me feel like shit, like there's something wrong with my programming, like I'm unlovable or evil. I get that the robot girl wasn't evil, she was just heartbroken and that somehow is more dangerous than real evil. I felt so bad for that robot girl. I thought you handled it very well. You might have only been a big sister for a few months, but it seems like you were made to love people. You have a really big heart. I hope one day I can be like you. I love and respect you for your compassion, sense of integrity, and strength for others.

This weekend I could use a little magick vibes. Have Willow send me a good thought.

love you forever, Babs

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Dear Buffy,

Hey B!

Sometimes I feel like I am almost like your opposite, a friendless, lonely, powerless, human with very few morals. I wish I was a more moral person. I wish I helped people with my art; but my part is not that of a slayer, not that of a hero. I am imagining dramatic girl rock music play behind me while I walk away in the rain.

I just saw the episode last night where you and Spike discover that Riley has been paying vamps to bite him. I'm so sorry you had to witness something that felt like such a betrayal. I hope you know, he was trying to hurt himself, not you. Sometimes people can get addicted to hurting themselves. I know I've had a lot of problems with emotional and mental anxieties, that can become encompassing and I get so submerged in them that it drowns out anything else. Sometimes people get so comfortable with their sicknesses, that they don't even want to get better, and it's terrifying, but it's not your fault. You can't slay everyone's inner demons.

You're my hero and my role model. I want my hair to be whatever length yours is in whatever medium I'm consuming at the time.

Hope you're having just the best day.

love, Babs

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Dear Buffy,

Lately I've been really worried that I'm a bad person, or filled with evil, or part demon. I kinda feel like Tara a little bit, when she was so worried about showing her evil true nature to her friends. She was so afraid of letting her darkness out and hurting people she loved. That's how I feel. Like I just need to stay away from anyone I care about because I don't want to hurt them with this bubbling darkness that I keep just below the surface. But obviously, Tara was not evil, so that's not applicable. I kinda feel like more like Anya when she backslided and relapsed into her demon ways. Like I want to be good, but I've just been through a lot of heartache and now I'm devolving into what is most comfortable for me: evil. Not that I think Anya was evil. I think she was kinda altruistic, enacting vengeance for people could be seen as standing up for victims. It's a gray area. Well, not to you, I suppose. You never fully warmed up to her, or Tara for that matter. I hope you don't, um, hate me.

Just hoping everything is gonna be okay,