Thursday, December 12, 2013

Dear Buffy,

Hey girlfriend, bad time?

I'm feeling a bit sick, but I think I'm getting better. I feel like some of my energy is coming back. We slayers heal fast, I guess. It's weird how you're so strong, but when you experience a moment of weakness, of vulnerability, some people like it. I've had so many guys tell me that I'm cute when I'm nervous, shy, anxious... literally the most vulnerable moments of my life. I feel like Angel is like that. He wanted to take care of you. Spike post soul, ain't like that.

I admire you for your strength and your vulnerability. I admire you for the whole person that you are, the entire alturistic, selfless, loving, strong, compassionate woman that you grew into when you got called into slayherood at age 15.

Will I ever be called by a greater power? Will I ever have a purpose? I want to say everyone will/does. I want to say that everyone has a special magic inside of them and I want to use mine to radiate happiness on others. But maybe I don't have any powers. Maybe I'm nothing special. Maybe I can't help anyone. Maybe I'm just me.

"No weapons, no friends, no hope. Take all that away, and what's left?"

LOVE YOU BUFFSTER, Thank you for being an inspiration.

Monday, December 2, 2013


Dear Buffy,

BUUUUUUFSTER!!!!!!!!! Yesterday was my ONE YEAR anniversary of living in Portland, Oregon!!! I think moving to Portland was probably how you felt moving out of Sunnydale, not to say that Seattle is a hellmouth, but it was for me specifically. It might be a beautiful safe-haven-twilight for lots of people, but I just didn't belong.

In one year of living in Portland I have made more friends (supportive scoobies who love me!) than I did in 25 years in Seattle. I have had my heart broken waaay harder than I ever had in Seattle, and through that I kinda learned that I'm "full of love; it burns brighter than the fire; love will lead me to my gift." I've been rejected for so many dream jobs in the last year, but I've also gotten opportunities I never would have had in Seattle. I met your boy Joss Whedon, who really helped me deal with a difficult time in my life. I had a "going red"-esque nervous breakdown, and yeah, I don't exactly taste like strawberries anymore. But because of that I got on medication and I kicked my eating disorder, and now I'm learning how to control my power, instead of letting it control me.

I'm so thankful for my friends that I've made here. They are all so strong, sweet, loving, smart, wonderful, and they seem to not totally hate me. I have had the craziest, busiest year of my life, and I am so happy it's been in this magickal fairyland. I feel like I've grown and changed so much, but only really that I've become myself more, a better version of Babs. I'm slowly ascending- not in a demonic scary way!

I'm still not done, totes obvi. " I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies..." But, in the last year, I've gotten more cookie-like than ever before. Sometimes it hurts, but I'm so happy I live here!

Thank you for being there for me, B, throughout it all. I am so grateful for everyone in my life. I love my friends so much. I hope I continue to grow, to become a better friend, to become a better artist, until I am able to use my powers to help people deal with depression and anxiety.

I love you.