Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

How's everything? 5 by 5? 5 by 4 and 1/4 inches? I think it's cool to just say your height when people ask you how it's going. A few days ago I did a show where the mic stand was really heavy and everyone commented on it. I went last and moved the mic stand out of the way with one hand very deftly. Someone was like, "wow, she's strong but so little." And without thinking I replied, "Yeah, I'm a vampire slayer." And the audience laughed!

I don't really think I'm strong enough to be considered a slayer so I'm not sure why that came out of my mouth. I don't identify as a slayer or a leader or a person with strength to stand up for others. I wish I was. Mostly I wish I was part of something, like the slayer line.

Remember when the first (as you!) was like: "Into every generation, a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world. She alone will have the strength and skill to... There's that word again. What you are. How you'll die... alone. Where's your snappy comeback?"

That's how I feel lately: intrinsically alone by the definition of my being. 

Hope everything is totes peaches for you. 

love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Dear Buffy,

The other day I had a panic attack in front of this guy I liked and he didn't run away, didn't judge me, nothing. I practically dropped to my knees and hyperventilated while shaking and almost crying and he still doesn't hate me. I feel like he saw me transform into a werewolf, or that he saw me get all bumpy forehead vampy, or black haired and veiny or something... Now that I think about it a lot of your friends witness each other at their most monstrous and they still love each other unconditionally. That's really beautiful, empowering, and hopeful. It reminds me of in Season six when you said to Spike, " I tried to kill my friends, my sister, last week and guess how much they hate me now? Zero. Zero much. So I'm thinking, sleeping with you... They'll deal." Despite crying in public, having panic attacks, going weeks without eating, being a semi-suicidal baby, being an asshole, I still have friends that love, respect, and care about me. And everyone is like that. Everyone has people in their lives that love them deeply despite their monstrosities. I'm a monster and my scoobies still love me.

It's gonna be okay,

Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

I feel a little overwhelmed lately with my life. I wish I was better at being a grown up and paying bills and doing laundry, and not summoning the forces of darkness. Weirdly, I know how easy all that shit is to do, I just would rather read comic books or write jokes or drink drinks. Adult life is so scary, but not as scary as a hell god induced apocolypse that theatens everything I know and love as well as humanity in general, so I have nothing to complain about, right?

I miss you, B. I've been feeling a little lonely and disconected lately. I am working really hard though, trying to get amazing at this comedy thing. I want to be a chosen one, but I understand that comedy isn't like slaying, people aren't chosen, they choose comedy for themselves. It isn't an innate power, it's something you might have a natural inclination towards but you have to be open to it, work at it, nurture it, and let it grow, more like witchcraft than slaying.

Miss you and Will. I need more girly type friends that are happy and strong and love me.

love, Babs