Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

Having a really hard time with anxiety lately. I feel like a little like I'm turning into a chaos demon, like Giles did when you were a freshman. But I wasn't cursed or poisoned or tricked. I just maybe naturally have the chaos demon writhing inside of me, trying to get out and wreak havok on innocents. I don't want to do bad things. I don't want to be a bad person. I want to be good. But everything feels tense, clenched up and violent inside of my heart sometimes.

I think it's because today is my birthday. I always feel so weird on my birthday because I've never felt like I've had a tight group of Scoobies like you do. I always feel like a burden when I ask people "Hey, want to celebrate my being born? Want to be happy and joyous about my existence?" It feels gross, since I feel guilty for my existence so much, so how could I ask others to rejoice it? I don't understand what the monks made me for, but I get the feeling it's something dark and apocolyptic.

I don't like the attention that comes with birthdays. It's a lot of affection that feels obligatory. I have already cried happy tears just from the sheer love that's come my way. It feels so good to be showered with love, I don't understand why people don't do it all the time. I kinda try to, but I'm not great at it yet. I'm a constant work in progress in my efforts to become a more compassionate, warm, loving person, one awkard complimentary confession of unbridled Peta Mallarkesque unconditional love at a time.

You're still one of my heroes. I wish I had your strength and ability to love passionately and unabashedly. Isn't it so great that we have these feelings? I might be part demon, but it's a kind of demon with a soul and an ability to love I think.

I don't know.
love you!

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Dear Willow, (Care of Buffy)

Hey Will,

I know how hard everything's been with giving up the magicks. I'm so sorry for all of the pain you must be going through. I have had similar problems with food adiction, caused by intense anxiety. The nerves make it so easy to slip into an unhealthy vice like magick, especially when the vice gives you the strength to cope with circumstances that seem overwhelming. I think magick is a lot like food, in that you obviously can't give it up 100%, you just have to learn to have a healthy relationship with it.

I have been addicted to food for emotional anxiety reasons since I was about 12. I've burried all of my emotions in it. But lately I've been working on outgrowing that addiction, and obviously I can't just cut food out like alchohol or drugs, so I'm forced to learn to have a positive relation to it. It's been so difficult dealing with anxiety without that as a coping mechanism. I just have to let the anxiety wash over me and accept my feelings and then try to let go of them. I'm trying to accept anxiety, not obsess so much if everyone else is okay or if I'm constantly hurting my loved ones with my actions and words. But it's difficult because I know that I could just make it all go away if I curled up in a dark room with a pizza. And I'm sure the way I feel about pizza or sandwiches is the way you feel about the ability to rip a man's skin from his bones. (Yum, tomatoey!)

We just need to practice inner balance and love and compassion. The world is a beautiful place if we're not constantly crippled with our desperate, obsessive compulsive vices, no matter how cool it looks when you fly.

I admire you for your strength and inner grace that gives you the ability to be more powerful than magick, one of the most powerful forces in the universe. You are an inspiration to me and to women everywhere that deal with compulsions and stuff. Thank you for your wonderfulness and your power and unique, thoughtful perspective.

Blessed Be.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Dear Buffy,

Hey girl! Sorry for saying "hey girl" that's not me. That's not us, our speech patterns. I hear a lot of men say that to each other lately and then laugh as if to say "wouldn't it be silly if we were girls? HAHAHA that is so ridiculous!" I don't like it. It seems like gender politics has been coming up a lot lately in the comedy community. It's weird that when you were in high school, over 13 years ago,  things seemed more progressive as far as sexual dynamics went, or maybe everyone was too worried about vampires and werewolves and apocolypses to say "hey you're a tiny little girl, you can't be a superhero!"

Hope Dawnie is okay. My heart goes out to you. I'm sending good vibes her way. Nothing is harder than fearing you're losing your sibling, the person you're closest too by blood and by love.

love, Babs

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Dear Buffy,

Yesterday I had a really hard day. I wrote something for a magazine and a lot of my "friends" posted things on there about how much of a bitch I am. It really hurt my feelings. I mean they didn't pull me out of a heavenly demension, make me dig out of my own grave, and then plop me straight into a biker fight, but that's because I guess they don't really love me. I guess they really aren't my friends. It was really hard for me. And my true friends were loyal and wonderful, of course, but it just sucked to be reminded that most people see me as a villian. It's not like I thought I was a hero, but I just thought I was a non-important character that didn't matter. It hurts a lot that I do matter, but in the bad way. I feel like something's wrong with me. I feel like how you must have felt when you came back and you realized Spike could hit you even though he had his chip in. I'm broken.

I love my scoobies, and I love you.