Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

Having a really hard time with anxiety lately. I feel like a little like I'm turning into a chaos demon, like Giles did when you were a freshman. But I wasn't cursed or poisoned or tricked. I just maybe naturally have the chaos demon writhing inside of me, trying to get out and wreak havok on innocents. I don't want to do bad things. I don't want to be a bad person. I want to be good. But everything feels tense, clenched up and violent inside of my heart sometimes.

I think it's because today is my birthday. I always feel so weird on my birthday because I've never felt like I've had a tight group of Scoobies like you do. I always feel like a burden when I ask people "Hey, want to celebrate my being born? Want to be happy and joyous about my existence?" It feels gross, since I feel guilty for my existence so much, so how could I ask others to rejoice it? I don't understand what the monks made me for, but I get the feeling it's something dark and apocolyptic.

I don't like the attention that comes with birthdays. It's a lot of affection that feels obligatory. I have already cried happy tears just from the sheer love that's come my way. It feels so good to be showered with love, I don't understand why people don't do it all the time. I kinda try to, but I'm not great at it yet. I'm a constant work in progress in my efforts to become a more compassionate, warm, loving person, one awkard complimentary confession of unbridled Peta Mallarkesque unconditional love at a time.

You're still one of my heroes. I wish I had your strength and ability to love passionately and unabashedly. Isn't it so great that we have these feelings? I might be part demon, but it's a kind of demon with a soul and an ability to love I think.

I don't know.
love you!

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