I seriously feel like I have a chip in my head that is stopping me from "killing." (I killing mean on stage, not like literal vamp on neck kill action.) I have to start training harder. I need a watcher, but I feel like I'm almost too old to be a good slayer. I need to be my own watcher. I don't feel chosen right now. I still feel strong, but you know, outside looking in, like Faith. Well, I keep plugging or whatevs and I'll be 5x5.
Monday, July 14, 2014
I feel like I've been split in two halves like Xander, one successful, good half and one screw up half, by the demon Toff. Obviously, I feel like the screw up half. I wonder where the half of me that has her shit together is. Probably sexing hot men and writing incredible jokes and makiiiiing it. (What is the "it" that I'm supposed to be making? I need a watcher.) I think I was just recently Parker Abrams-ed (from Season 4). I am getting so good at getting rejected by dudes that I am bouncing back quite bouncily. That may or may not be a good thing. I feel like you when you were searching for the first slayer to ask about love. Is slaying making me "hard," am I losing my warmth and my ability to love? Am I needing to be strong and guarding myself so much that I'm not letting anyone else in? Or does my strength come from my ability to love? Does it burn brighter than the fire?
Miss you, B.
Miss you, B.