Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Dear Buffy,

Hey B, I was thinking about how you got sick basically three times in the course of 9 times, while I seem to get sick like every other week, whenever my low self esteem starts inviting the germs in like the slowest most passive aggressive suicide attempt ever. Anywhoodles. You always seem to get sick for inixplicable magical reasons, which I can relate to. But then you, or one of your equally powerful strong friends, usually heals yourself; you save yourself constantly from all sorts of demons. I wish I could say the same. It sucks that I'm so much older than you, and the demons I battle are so much less life threatening and serious. I'm embarrassed that I have to fight the body image and I-think-I'm-a-horrible-person demons. It feels so silly to have these problems at my age. I feel pathetic and weak, the opposite of a slayer, a victim. In Charmed they call the victims "innocents" which is more empowering, but doesn't feel right because I'm a lot like Brittany Spears, not that good of a singer. I wish I was inspiringly badass, sweet, caring, quirkily witty and good at dancing like you. I wish I was strong enough that I could conquer all of my problems without feeling embarrassed. I wish I was more like you. Sometimes I practice walking like you. I need a hug. Can Willow do a spell to make me love myself?

I love you and I love everything you do for young women, for your friends, for innocent people everywhere, and I appreciate your powers, abilities, strength, and kindness.

Oh, I don't know.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

Sorry I haven't written in a while. I just got a job! Finally. I'm a productive member of society again! By which I mean I'm working at a call center. It's actually really awesome and I love it. I want to be really good at it. It's hard starting something new because I don't like not being good at things. I'm like "why does she have gold stars on her desk? I know I've worked here two days but I want one!" You know what it's like not being the best at things- oh sorry, of course you don't. You're Buffy. Sometimes it's hard being friends with someone so perfect, but I make it work.

I'm going through another unrequitted love situation. Surprised? It seems to be my M.O. (Doe MO stand for Monster Obligation?) Both you and Willow seem to get your heart shattered into a bzillion pieces and then eaten and then vommitted back up into the mouth of a octopus waaaaaay less than I do. Maybe that's because you have more important things to worry about with all the apocalypses. Or maybe it's because you're both such strong, smart, beautiful, kind, loving, passionate women that anyone would be dumb to turn away from you. Unlike me. I am not a heroine. I am a side character. It's stupid to even compare my life to yours when if I lived in a Whedon universe I wouldn't be a sassy quirky adorable hero. I'd be the mean villian girl's fat dumb friend.

Too dark?

Comedy's going okay. I'm making art and I'm sorta jogging again and I'm trying to be happy. Is it difficult work for most people to be happy? Or do others do it easily? I feel like I throw money and time into so many resources just for the hope of one day not thinking about suicide. It's a constant every day struggle to just see some hope. And other people just never even worry about it, right? Oh, B... it's getting darker and weirder and harder.

I want to be a better person. I want to be kind and loving and emotionally and physically healthy and empathetic towards others. I don't know if that'll ever happen. I am too selfish and narcissistic to ever be anything but a vampire. But I weirdly possess some self awareness of my own inherent evils, but not the altruism to do something about them?

Man, high school's weird, amiright? HAHAHAHAHAHA.

I miss you. I miss me. I think.

Love, Babs