Thursday, June 20, 2013

Dear Buffy,

Hey buddy,

I'm having a really hard time with stand up lately and my relationships with people. I feel like a lot like I think you did in season six when you... came back. I know I didn't really go anywhere like heaven, but to me, being good at stand up and having a path was my heaven. I had a purpose; I belonged. And now I don't know where I fit in. I feel lost. I mean, I'm not giving up stand up, obviously, but I feel like I had a purpose. Death was my gift. And now I have nothing. "Is this hell?" God that moment is more heartbreaking than any real life moment I've ever had. I want to hug you so badly.

I kinda worry that I'm like Billy the Vampire Slayer, and not like one of the chosen ones like you. Like I don't have super strength but I work really hard. In mainstream terms that makes me more like Batman than Wonderwoman... It breaks my heart.

I feel like I'm trying to give up stand up like Willow tried to give up magick. It feels like I have an addiction, a coping problem. It feels like a mental illness or an addiction that's hurting me, draining me of my own lifeforce. But I can't let go. In the end, stand up is part of me, it's in my heart, and I'm a part of it. I can't let it go.

Okay, you're so wonderful, thank you for reading all these and listening. I love your strength and power and vulnerability. I love you, Buffy. Thanks.

love, Babs

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

So you know how I used to be bulimic, (or in other words super weak and not a strong idependent woman?) I've been struggling a lot with my relationship with food lately. (It gets mad at me when I talk to beer!) I've been trying so hard to get my eating back under control, but I'm under a lot of stress and I'm really overwhelmed with being pulled in lots of different directions. (By my emotions, people, and obligations, not an octopus monster.)

Every time I fall off the wagon and binge/ purge, or just binge, or just spend a day not eating, I feel like when Xander left Anya at the alter and she became a vengence demon again. It was like giving in to a coping mechanism that was comfortable. I remember when she realized she had killed all those frat boys and she just felt so pathetically paralyzed by guilt. Anya and I are both somewhere between good and evil on the spectrum of morality. Not everything is black and white. We don't want to hurt people, really, but we don't know any other way to cope with our dehibilitating pain. I hate that I hurt everyone I love. I don't want to punish other people for my own violent rageful evil.

I'm so sorry, Buff. Please don't be dissappointed in me.

love, Babs

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Dear Buffy,

So I did this comedy competition the other day and didn't advance out of my heat. It was really heartbreaking to feel judged on the one thing I base my identity around. Like when you and Faith were both being judged by the council, you didn't hate Faith and you didn't want her to loose, but you still wanted to beat her. Competition is so weird, because it should be healthy, we're trying to be our best (hat tip Dollhouse), but it sucks that others have to do worse than us for us to feel good about ourselves, right?

I think I have a hard time because I live comedy, the way you do slaying. I want to be amazing at it. It does feel like a special power that I was chosen for sometimes, but also a lot like a burden. Unlike you, I feel like I'm not naturally gifted. I'm more like Billy the Vampire Slayer, someone born without abilities who worked really hard and tries to keep up with those who are called. My greatest fear in life is that comedy is a natural ability that can never be taught, and that I just don't have it. Because I'm too lazy to work for it like Billy. I'm too self involved to be okay with being the weaker power on the team, like Xander. I want to be gifted, like you, like Willow.

I probably would turn dark like Willow did if I had a gift. I don't want to be evil or to hurt anyone. I just want to be a force of love, goodness, and compassion. Remember when you went to the first slayer and asked if being a slayer meant you were full of darkness, and she said you were full of love? I want to be that way. But, probably I have to love myself first.

Hope your day is going well. I hope everything is back to normal with Dawnie. It was nice seeing Illyria last month. I miss Fred a lot. She was so sweet, smart, and gently strong.

You are my hero. Thanks for being a beacon of integrity, honesty, and feminist power.

love, Barbara

Monday, June 10, 2013

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

I smoked the marijuana for the first time in years yesterday. I know... if beer bad, how bad is pot? Well, less bad than beer. (I'm from Seattle, lady.) But everything in moderation? It's weird how when I smoke a teensy bit of weed or do anti anxiety medication I feel like my brain feels normal, which makes me thing that naturally unmedicated I am somehow broken or handicapped or inhibbited. Or maybe it's like when the council made Giles drug you with pills that made your powers go away... except my power is crippling social anxiety. And very few people are being saved by me panicking in the bathroom because I don't handle groups.

I wish I could use my anxiety and funnell it into art and create something that helps people. Art has helped me so much. I wish I could be a hero and make the world a better place like you. You save the entire planet again and again. But you also help and take care of your friends. I know you think that you were chosen to do this, that it was your calling. AND it was. But you made the choice to answer the calling, to be a good person and use your powers to help others. And I look up to you for that love. For someone who does so much kicking and punching and delves so much into darkness, you really are so full of nothing but love and compassion and integrity. And that's not your power, that's you. That's your choice.

I've been thinking more and more about how much of our actions is because "she's a good person" and how much of it is us choosing to being a good person, wanting to be a good person. I think if I want to help others and to be an artist, I have to be myself as much as possible. You are unequivablicly unapologetically genuinely exaclty yourself, always constantly. And who you are is amazing. (You saved Parker, for heck's sake!) I want to be myself, but I want myself to not be evil.

You are a bright and shining light of a slayer and a woman that brightens the lives of all around you.
Much love,

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Dear Buffy,

Hey girl, what's new? I haven't talked to you in a while. I hope everything is going well. I hope Dawnie is okay... I know how hard it is to be a big sister and worry about your siblings. You're like a big sister to a lot of people though, like the world. I look up to you a lot. You're such a warm, loving, person. You have too much love in your heart to be anything but strong.

So the other day I was getting hit on by this man fellow and then he got really mad at me when I turned him down. It kinda reminded me of Spike trying to guilt and pressure you into being with him. Don't get me wrong, I love Spike NOW. I hate when men try to shame women into being with them. It's so entitled. And never has guilt tripping and criticism made me think, "Gee, maybe I should reconsider this and give this guy a chance."

It's such a wonderful age of women right now. It's like women are so strong, smart, powerful, beautiful. It's like all the potentials now have slayer strength. I am not a bitch if I won't date you. I am a shining strong magickal being.

I have a show Friday I'm getting kinda nervous about. You never really seem to express anxieties. Sometimes when I'm trying to appear confident I try to hold my body language like you. Too weird? I wish you could come watch and support me. I think you would like my jokes.

Anyway, miss you buddy.
love, Babs