Dear Buffy,

So I did this comedy competition the other day and didn't advance out of my heat. It was really heartbreaking to feel judged on the one thing I base my identity around. Like when you and Faith were both being judged by the council, you didn't hate Faith and you didn't want her to loose, but you still wanted to beat her. Competition is so weird, because it should be healthy, we're trying to be our best (hat tip Dollhouse), but it sucks that others have to do worse than us for us to feel good about ourselves, right?

I think I have a hard time because I live comedy, the way you do slaying. I want to be amazing at it. It does feel like a special power that I was chosen for sometimes, but also a lot like a burden. Unlike you, I feel like I'm not naturally gifted. I'm more like Billy the Vampire Slayer, someone born without abilities who worked really hard and tries to keep up with those who are called. My greatest fear in life is that comedy is a natural ability that can never be taught, and that I just don't have it. Because I'm too lazy to work for it like Billy. I'm too self involved to be okay with being the weaker power on the team, like Xander. I want to be gifted, like you, like Willow.

I probably would turn dark like Willow did if I had a gift. I don't want to be evil or to hurt anyone. I just want to be a force of love, goodness, and compassion. Remember when you went to the first slayer and asked if being a slayer meant you were full of darkness, and she said you were full of love? I want to be that way. But, probably I have to love myself first.

Hope your day is going well. I hope everything is back to normal with Dawnie. It was nice seeing Illyria last month. I miss Fred a lot. She was so sweet, smart, and gently strong.

You are my hero. Thanks for being a beacon of integrity, honesty, and feminist power.

love, Barbara