Monday, June 10, 2013

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

I smoked the marijuana for the first time in years yesterday. I know... if beer bad, how bad is pot? Well, less bad than beer. (I'm from Seattle, lady.) But everything in moderation? It's weird how when I smoke a teensy bit of weed or do anti anxiety medication I feel like my brain feels normal, which makes me thing that naturally unmedicated I am somehow broken or handicapped or inhibbited. Or maybe it's like when the council made Giles drug you with pills that made your powers go away... except my power is crippling social anxiety. And very few people are being saved by me panicking in the bathroom because I don't handle groups.

I wish I could use my anxiety and funnell it into art and create something that helps people. Art has helped me so much. I wish I could be a hero and make the world a better place like you. You save the entire planet again and again. But you also help and take care of your friends. I know you think that you were chosen to do this, that it was your calling. AND it was. But you made the choice to answer the calling, to be a good person and use your powers to help others. And I look up to you for that love. For someone who does so much kicking and punching and delves so much into darkness, you really are so full of nothing but love and compassion and integrity. And that's not your power, that's you. That's your choice.

I've been thinking more and more about how much of our actions is because "she's a good person" and how much of it is us choosing to being a good person, wanting to be a good person. I think if I want to help others and to be an artist, I have to be myself as much as possible. You are unequivablicly unapologetically genuinely exaclty yourself, always constantly. And who you are is amazing. (You saved Parker, for heck's sake!) I want to be myself, but I want myself to not be evil.

You are a bright and shining light of a slayer and a woman that brightens the lives of all around you.
Much love,

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