Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

So you know how I used to be bulimic, (or in other words super weak and not a strong idependent woman?) I've been struggling a lot with my relationship with food lately. (It gets mad at me when I talk to beer!) I've been trying so hard to get my eating back under control, but I'm under a lot of stress and I'm really overwhelmed with being pulled in lots of different directions. (By my emotions, people, and obligations, not an octopus monster.)

Every time I fall off the wagon and binge/ purge, or just binge, or just spend a day not eating, I feel like when Xander left Anya at the alter and she became a vengence demon again. It was like giving in to a coping mechanism that was comfortable. I remember when she realized she had killed all those frat boys and she just felt so pathetically paralyzed by guilt. Anya and I are both somewhere between good and evil on the spectrum of morality. Not everything is black and white. We don't want to hurt people, really, but we don't know any other way to cope with our dehibilitating pain. I hate that I hurt everyone I love. I don't want to punish other people for my own violent rageful evil.

I'm so sorry, Buff. Please don't be dissappointed in me.

love, Babs

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