Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Dear Buffy,


My life feels really amazing right now! Well kinda good okayish fine. Eh, it pretty much still sucks. I mean on the one hand sometimes it feels like comedy likes me, but sometimes it feels like I passed Comedy the note and Comedy circled "maybe." I kinda met this dude but I dunno. You know my track history I suppose. (By which I do not mean how when I was in high school track all the track boys were totes crushing on me. But um.) It's amazing having Bryan visiting, but I know he'll be gone tomorrow, and I'll be back to struggling at art and friends and trying not to let the loneliness get me. "I mean, I... I guess everyone's alone. But being a slayer? There's a burden we can't share.......And no one else can feel it. Thank God we're hot chicks with superpowers."

But yeah, it's gonna be okay, right? .... right, B?

love you gurl, Angel's an idiot.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Dear Buffy,

Hey hey hey! Oh man that was all the energy I had. Time to go back to bed. Buffster, what am I doing with my life? I so desperately need a purpose, a calling, a destiny. I need to be chosen. I watched the episode last night where Giles fucked with your powers all secrety, and I remember Willow asking you, "if you don't get your powers back, then what?" That's kinda how I feel with comedy. If comedy isn't my destiny, who am I?

I almost cried when you were like, "If I'm not the slayer, what do I do? What do I have to offer? Why would you like me?" And then Angel said he liked you before you were called, "Because I could see your heart. You held it before you for everyone to see, and I was worried that it would get bruised or torn...."

And okay, that's a little cheeseballz even for Angel, but I still like it. I feel like that. Take away the writing and the stage presence and the comedy and the nerdiness and the work ethic, "and what's left?" "me." Without it all, all I am is a big throbbing heart, oozing my emotions everywhere. That is one of my favorite things about myself, that my heart is so vulnerable and accessible to everyone who needs it, so on display to any audience. My vulnerability is one of my best assets as an artist and friend. But it's also the thing that drives men away so quickly. It's the thing that gets me hurt with friends so easily. My feelings are so sensitive. I'm super vulnerable and that's my greatest strength and weakness.

I don't know. I'm tired. No I'm not. I miss you.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Dear Buffy,

Hai hai girl! I'm at work at my day job. It's slightly more glamorous than slinging "chicken" at the happy meat palace, but not by much. Comedy is going okay. I'm not quite working hard enough. I guess you could say I'm struggling a bit socially and artistically. I work really hard on my art but I feel estranged and held at a distance by people, or perhaps I do that part to myself. I don't know. Every day I write incessently. Every night I perform until I'm exhausted... Every single night the same arrangement. I go out and fight the fight. Still I always feel the strangest estrangement...I've been going through the motions...

Phew, that was weird. I don't know why I started singing all of the sudden.

Anyway. I can tell I'm depressed because I can't wait to tell YOU about it. That would be my "You know you're a redneck" bit. You know you're depressed when you can't wait to vent to a semi-fictional mythological heroine. You know you're depressed when you eat pizza twice in one day, and both those meals are dinner. I could go on.

I hope you are doing well. You are such a beautiful bright shining light of love that envelopes, warms, and protects your friends and family unconditionally. I want to be like that when I grow up.

I miss you.