Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

Sorry I haven't written in a while. I just got a job! Finally. I'm a productive member of society again! By which I mean I'm working at a call center. It's actually really awesome and I love it. I want to be really good at it. It's hard starting something new because I don't like not being good at things. I'm like "why does she have gold stars on her desk? I know I've worked here two days but I want one!" You know what it's like not being the best at things- oh sorry, of course you don't. You're Buffy. Sometimes it's hard being friends with someone so perfect, but I make it work.

I'm going through another unrequitted love situation. Surprised? It seems to be my M.O. (Doe MO stand for Monster Obligation?) Both you and Willow seem to get your heart shattered into a bzillion pieces and then eaten and then vommitted back up into the mouth of a octopus waaaaaay less than I do. Maybe that's because you have more important things to worry about with all the apocalypses. Or maybe it's because you're both such strong, smart, beautiful, kind, loving, passionate women that anyone would be dumb to turn away from you. Unlike me. I am not a heroine. I am a side character. It's stupid to even compare my life to yours when if I lived in a Whedon universe I wouldn't be a sassy quirky adorable hero. I'd be the mean villian girl's fat dumb friend.

Too dark?

Comedy's going okay. I'm making art and I'm sorta jogging again and I'm trying to be happy. Is it difficult work for most people to be happy? Or do others do it easily? I feel like I throw money and time into so many resources just for the hope of one day not thinking about suicide. It's a constant every day struggle to just see some hope. And other people just never even worry about it, right? Oh, B... it's getting darker and weirder and harder.

I want to be a better person. I want to be kind and loving and emotionally and physically healthy and empathetic towards others. I don't know if that'll ever happen. I am too selfish and narcissistic to ever be anything but a vampire. But I weirdly possess some self awareness of my own inherent evils, but not the altruism to do something about them?

Man, high school's weird, amiright? HAHAHAHAHAHA.

I miss you. I miss me. I think.

Love, Babs

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