Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Dear Buffy,

Last night I was having sorta a really panicky depressed night, which was weird because my day was great. I was having a wonderful happy day, and then all of the sudden one little tiny interaction made me the most anxious depressed demon in the world. When I got home I was miserable and lonely and sad and I couldn't even handle my own thoughts. I turned on an episode of Season 5... It worked like perfect escapism. The real world washed away and I immiedietly calmed down. It was the episode with the robot Warren made, designed specifically to love him, and then he didn't want her. The robot girlfriend really reminded me of my last relationship. At the begining, I was perfect for him, like I was designed and created to love him, and he pursued me relentlessly, and as soon as I reciprocated the feelings, he turned his off. I was programmed to love him and as soon as my programming was activated, it was like almost abrasive to him. I hate that, that a guy can like everything about you, but then as soon as you like them back they don't want anything to do with you. It makes me feel like shit, like there's something wrong with my programming, like I'm unlovable or evil. I get that the robot girl wasn't evil, she was just heartbroken and that somehow is more dangerous than real evil. I felt so bad for that robot girl. I thought you handled it very well. You might have only been a big sister for a few months, but it seems like you were made to love people. You have a really big heart. I hope one day I can be like you. I love and respect you for your compassion, sense of integrity, and strength for others.

This weekend I could use a little magick vibes. Have Willow send me a good thought.

love you forever, Babs

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