Dear Buffy,

So, once again I failed to get a job I thought I was a good fit for. You have so much success in your career as a slayer, it's almost hard explaining what this is like to you. I fail and am rejected constantly for jobs and when it's something like a gig at a big comedy club, like sure I'm not the right fit for that, but this was a monologue joke based writing job that relied on smart one liner powers, one of my gifts, something I consider myself chosen for. And I didn't get it. I am the right kind of comedian for this, the right style and type, and I just didn't get something I was a good fit for because I'm not funny enough.

I think it's kind of like when you went to fight Caleb the first time and he beat you (and omg poor Xan, he never saw that coming! oh sorry pun unintended sorry I'll see myself out.) But it sucks because with Caleb you thought that was your calling, you thought you and your little slayer army would easily slaughter him, as per your destiny. And is that cocky? To have confidence in ONE ability, a superiority complex at one talent, and then to have that pulled out from under you like a magic carpet made of yucky snakes!

I guess I need to check my hubris, remember that I'm still a potential, not a slayer, and I need to stop expecting to do well at things. I thought I was working hard, but I guess I have "to work twice as hard to be half as good." (Amy about Willow.) I can't think of myself as a good writer yet, I have the potential but I'm not there yet. Maybe I never will be. And am I okay with that? Am I okay with not being chosen for anything, ever? Never being special?

I'm beating myself up a lot for it, feeling not funny, not good enough, comparing myself to other writers, crying a lot. And it's so hard. I feel like I suck at the one thing I want to be good at, the one thing that makes me feel like I belong.

I  don't feel chosen right now.

I think I need like a scythe.

love you, B
Barbara