Dear Buffy,

Hey B, How's it going? Yesterday I went to this party and I wish you had been there. It was crowded and big and I didn't know anyone and creepy menfolk talked to me and I freaked out. I don't know why I am still this way at my age. You could handle yourself when you were 16, and I'm almost 25 and I still act like a baby all the time. A guy came up to me at this bar, put his hand on my lower back (already an offense worthy of me and Willow hexing him) and he said, "Hey what's your underwear situation?" I started shaking because I felt so objectified and hopped off my stool and yelled "That is not an okay thing to say to someone." His witty retort was, "What's wrong with you; were you raped?" TRUE STORY. I was so uncomfortable. I hate menfolk. Why would he say that to me? I didn't do anything mean to him! Can you slay someone for being a douchebag? Does that count as demon?

I hate feeling like a sexual object. I hate getting it at work and I hate getting it at bars and I hate getting it in comedy club environments. It makes me feel like I don't have any power, like it's a show of dominance. It's horrible.

Anyway, new comic this week? Feels like it's been a while. We should catch up. I'm excited to see what your body was doing while you were away... like if there was a robot brain in there? Gosh I am so jealous of your life.

love, Barbara

Dear Buffy,

Hey! I'm watching one of the Halloween ones. I love Halloween, and Halloween themed things... I think despite my atheism and knowledge of science, part of me wants the supernatural to be real so badly because it would signify that the empty meaninglessness inside of me isn't the only thing out there. It's weird how as a kid I was so crippled by night terrors, and now I'm so fascinated by monsters, demons, ghosts... Like if you can't beat them... succomb to the dark depths of your imagination and blot out reality, amiright


B, you said earlier tonight that you're afraid of letting others in because you've been burned before. (Angel.) I am so so sorry you got hurt and now feel incapable of opening your heart. That'll pass. You'll get better. What happens if someone gets hurt really badly and then you can't close your heart to them? What if your heart just stays open, like a wound, getting increasingly more infected and less likely to recover?


love, Barbara

Dear Buffy,

Hey Buff, I've been having anxiety attacks lately, which feels really lame and like a first world problem when I compare it to your life of fighting legions of the undead. I wish I was some sort of slayer or super hero or chosen one of anything, but alas no one will ever choose me, will they, B? Anywho, Anya's storyline is super funny. I admire with her lack of desire to fit in to normal human society. Like she's smart, she used to be human, so she's clearly capable of learning the customs of the species. But why put on a face? I respect that.

Give Willow massive hugs for me!
Also, if you have time can you come slay this anxiety troll living in my torso that's been gripping my heart and lungs with it's grimy claws? No worries, I know you have college.

love, Barbara

Dear Buffy,

Hey B! Man, last night was a pretty crazy dramatic one with a lot of interlinking plot details. (Your last night, not mine.) I'm jealous on some level that your life of slayage is a masterful beautiful puzzle in which each detail fits exactly and perfectly. Not to break the fourth wall but that is a hat tip to our friend Joss Whedon who is a genius for stories. I just saw Cabin in the Woods, miraculous; you should see it! Whereas my semi-adult life feels disconnected and randomly stitched together by an evil scientist attempting to create some sort of weird mismatched Frankenstein monster. Oh that dark gothic self loathing is attached to a love of puppies? Makes sense. I've also lost a little bit of weight recently, not sure if it's a good or bad thing.

College is crazy! Hang in there, B!
love, Barbara

Dear Buffy,

Hey B! Happy Saturday. How's it going? I can't believe everything that was going with Angel. I hope he's okay and I hope you are. I guess I fell asleep watching you last night. That sounds kinda creepy... because it is. Not to say that you're boring, I just was very tired. I went to two mics and drank a bit and worked my ass off. I did some writing too. I still don't feel productive; I don't feel like I'm working hard enough. When will we ever feel like we're accomplishing something, making a dent at all whatsoever in the legions of vampires (for you) or the swamp of creative energy (for me)? No matter how hard we work, it doesn't seem to really change the course of events. I mean, I know you've saved the world hundreds of times, but does the world know? That prom episode did make me cry though. Jeeze louise.

You're the *best* slayer!
love, Barbara

Dear Buffy,

So, weirdly I don't quite remember getting home last night but after investigation this morning I did get a pizza on the way and when I got back I feel asleep in my clothes after I watched an episode of you. (The one with the mind reading.) I need an intervention. (Maybe you already knew that, because of the mind reading.) That seems like a cool/ burdensome power. (The mind reading, not the drinking.) I wonder how I got that drunk. I feel like I only had two beers. I hate being in that big of a group situation, around that many people who I feel hate me/ are annoyed by me. Going out last night reminded me why agoraphobia is an attractive thing to me. But I mean, I wanna do comedy so I'm still gonna do this...

Desperately needing a night in and not giving it to myself,

love,

Barbara

Dear Buffy,

Hey, Buff! I had a really good time last night at the show/ hanging out with my friends who are cool even though they are men. Still, wish you were there. Sorry I haven't been as available lately; I've been working so hard, writing so much, and I haven't been there for you with the whole Angel bull crap. If I had a stake or crossbow for every time I've said that. Not that I'm particularly a bad friend, but I feel a lot of guilt for it when I happen to be. Nothing makes me feel more dirty and shameful than feeling like a disloyal or bad friend, especially since I'm so appreciative of everyone I love so I hate being a disappointment.

I have way too much grown up shit like bill paying and laundry and actual work work to do today. Blyuck! Hopefully I get a chance to read my new Willow comic finally!

love, Barbara

Dear Buffy,

Morning, B! Sorry I haven't written in a few day(s)(?) I was in Portland. I did a bit where I read one of your comics on stage; I think you would have been proud and/or embarrassed. My friend Michelle took me to a really cool ginormous comic book store with lots of back issues of things and I got a few of yours plus the Willow one I was looking for! Yay! Back at work now, uck. I think being an admin assistant is probably a lot like being a slayer. Because we're both doing something we didn't choose, but we both look fricking great while we do it, am I right, B?

Lotsa work to do. Talk soonsies,

love, Barbara

Dear Buffy,

Buuufffy! I feel like we haven't really seen each other in days! And since I usually spend like hours a day with you I'm missing you a lot! I've been hanging out with a lot of cool people who are hysterically intimidatingly quirky and awesome. Please don't be jealous. Portland is like a playground for me. It's full of vegan hipsters and musician monsters. But we both knew I wouldn't really belong in Sunnydale, right? I could never be a slayer; I can't even snap at someone properly without writing them an I'm sorry letter. Our love is like yours and Angel's but less with the sexy times: it could never be!

Haha, just kidding, B, I still love you best!!!! Agh, it was a goof!

love, Barbara

Dear Buffy,

Hi! I might go the gym today so I can be buff buff like you! I was so busy yesterday with comedy/ portland I didn't get to check in with you. I hope you're okay, B. I'm in Portland doing jokes. Last night I got here and I got kinda awkward with trying to talk to people and stuff. I accidentally confused two tall white thin attractive men and now I feel like an asshole. But it could be worse, right? What if they hadn't been white? So that was awkward, and other than that I don't think I put my foot in my mouth too much. The gym is probably a bad idea because I'll do lap swimming and my hair will get gross also not sure I remember how to swim, that's the one with pedalling, right? Oh nevermind.

You're the best!

Take that mayor to lobby town! Oh okay, I'll leave the cute puns fighting to you.

love, Barbara

Dear Buffy,

I got to work way so early because woke up early because I'm in such a constant state of trembling anxiety lately that it's hard to lay in bed. New Buffy comic out this week! After hearing/reading that Andrew put something in your drink and then nothing happened, obviously I respect you more, but sadly almost relate to you less than when I thought you were just too drunk and made a mistake. I'm embarrassed about how I act when I drink, but I feel like I like a few beers for my anxiety, but really I'm sure everyone around me would rather talk to hyper panicking anxious me than drunk me.

I'm scared to go to Portland/Bridgetown this week. I wish you could come with me to be brave and confident while I get drunk and hide in a closet. I could be like your new Willow!

love, Barbara

Dear Buffy,

Hey Buff, Oh my gosh that stuff with Willow and parallel dimension Willow was sooo cool last night! She's hella powerful and smart and she looked gorgeous. Now I want to be her!!! I mean be like her. I mean similar. I mean be her friend. I mean something normal.

I did a mic last night that went on kinda long. It's not that much fun doing these two hour long mics and going later in the night and having there be only comics there. I always feel anxious like they're judging me and like they all hate me because I feel like I have zero likeability on and off stage. It's really overwhelming to sit in a room of your peers and feel scrutinized negatively. You're lucky that you never really have had peers because you are the chosen one. But you are like me in that you love your friends very deeply so it hurts to feel judged when you care so much.

What's going on with Angel now? You guys doing the kissies but no intercoursing? I'm so lonely!

love, Barbara

Dear Buffy,

Heeeey girlfriend! I just got to work. I don't mean "girlfriend" like dating I mean like a deep seated womanly friendship bond; I stole the phrase from Faith last night. Man, a tiny part of me sees how she's acting, driving you away, secluding herself and is like, "oh good more Buffster for me and the scoobies." But a much larger part of me empathizes with her pain and I feel for her. I get the whole sinking away from everything, cutting others out and retreating into oneself to hide from emotions. I wish there was something I could do to help her.

But if not we should totally hit up the Bronze later for some coffees and dancing!!!!

love, Barbara

Dear Buffy,

Last night I was thinking that we have something in common with they way we pick men. Like things didn't go that far with Riley because he was just kinda normal. Whereas you usually pick men who are literally of the undead, I'm similar like I pick men who are emotional vampires. Like have you ever gone on a first date with a guy who DIDN"T cry in the shower about his ex and then have sex with you and think "Gee, I guess we just don't have any spark"? And you're a slayer; you're special, so obviously you pick men who are different, but what's my excuse?

Not as pensive as I seem,

love,

Barbara

Dear Buffy,

Hey B, I'm in Ellensburg Washington right now. You never really come up to the pacific northwest but according to twilight shit there's some good vamps here. And by good I don't mean "nice" I mean good and vampire-y. I did a show last night and it actually wasn't that bad. The show felt fun and easy and loose. I think I even said into the mic once, "This shit is easy" after my third applause break. Then I went out and drank after with my baby brother and some other comics. It was really fun. I only had three drinks the whole night which is a little better than what I did last night... Should we rally the scoobies and see about giving me an intervention? I think Xander would be good at something like that.

hope you're doing well!

Talk soon!

love, Barbara

Dear Buffy,

Hey Buff. Here's a question. How come when you did the sexy time things with Angel his soul went away but not with Spike? I guess the gypsies had a lot of fine print in that equation whereas the guy who gave Spike his soul was just kinda like "here you go, bro, try not to fuck it up." Also, when Angel didn't have a soul he was waaaay meaner than Spike without one. I was thinking of nicknaming the men in my life Spike and Angel but then how would we know who we meant when we were discussing menfolk? I'd be like oh Spike did this, and you'd be like "your Spike or mine?"

I got way too drunk and threw up a lot last night. I almost peed my pants. I just had this horrible memory of this one time when I was in high school giving a presentation in front of a class and I was shaking so hard from stage fright and crying from the public speaking that I peed my pants during the five minute presentation. I remember just pretending that I wasn't peeing because I didn't think anyone could tell but I'm sure that they could. That's a pretty obvious thing. I just pretended like it never happened but everyone knew. That hatred of attention is probably one of the reasons I wanted to do stand up. Cool, huh, B?

You're the best! Stay safe patrolling!

Love,

Barbara

@barbara_holm

Dear Buffy,

Hey B, How's it going? I ended up having a fun time last night at the show. I didn't go up, just watched and drank a little too much and hung out with Miley. You don't really drink, do you? I guess you have bigger things to think about with slaying and all. It's weird how where I'm at in the tv show (this current rewatching session...) you're 16/17ish but where I am in the comic book you're in your early 20s. I guess time is relative, right Buff?

Things are getting kinda convoluted with Faith now, huh? What's her deal? She doesn't seem to really respect or admire you as much as you deserve. I would never treat you that way!!!!

Talk soon!

love,

Barbara

@barbara_holm

Dear Buffy,

Hey sup, B, I know we had plans for me to come straight home and watch you after work but I think instead I'm going to go over to Miley's. At least I think so. She g-chatted something about it, but plans weren't concretely made. I love going over to her place; it feels almost as safe as being in bed with you on the tv or in comic book form. She's so nice and cool that being with her doesn't freak me out. Do you have any friends like that? Willow seems like a really solid, loyal friend. I'm not jealous or anything of you guys. You can be her best friend. I'm not mad about it. No really. Okay, nevermind.

I like Faith a lot too. When I was in high school if I had had a friend that confident and sexy and stuff I would have like wanted to be her. I would have followed her around like a puppy and tried to be as strong and fearless as her. Man, what a dork I used to be.

I'll catch up with you later after the hang outs. Be safe when you go out patrolling for vamps!

love, Barbara

@barbara_holm

Dear Buffy,

Hey, what's going on with Cordelia? I do not like the way she has been treating you after you've saved her life so many times. I know what you're going through because I used to have a girlfriend who was super tall and gorgeous and cool and popular and she and I didn't get along that well, mostly because she didn't really know we were friends or who I was. Haha! That makes me sound a little single white female-ish! But, you know I'm chill/normal, right, Buff?

I like that pink dress you were wearing earlier a lot. I'm trying to find one similar, but obviously it won't look as good on me. I am not really supposed to wear stuff like that to work or in comedy either so mostly if I got a dress like that it would just be for me, for my own specialness, to wear at home alone. Everyone's gotta feel pretty sometimes, right?

Hope you're great. Talk soon!

love,

Barbara

@barbara_holm

Dear Buffy,

Hey Buffster!

How are you holding up, B? I know how hard things must be for you after the whole murdering your boyfriend thing. Man, I almost can't even imagine it. (But I can because I saw it with my own two eyes.) But he's back now, right? And you guys are taking it slow? You gotta hit that, girl! So what if he's a rabid animalistic vampire monster that you have to keep in an abandoned warehouse chained to a pipe- he loves you!

I'm at work now. It's going kinda slow, just made me think of you. You know how day jobs are. I can't wait til I get off and get to go back home and see how things are turning out with you!

Give Willow and Giles massive hugs for me!

love, Barbara

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