Dear Buffy/ goodbye

Dear Buffy,

This is going to be my last post for a while. I still love you, but I no longer look up to you and think you're perfect, which is healthy. I know I'm not perfect either. I think right now, with everything that's going on in the world, I need to work on artistically creating new stories with strong selfless heroes, as opposed to simply idealizing the stories of others. Moreover I need to work on being stronger, more loving, smarter, braver, and better myself, for me and for my friends and family and everyone. I'm not saying I won't still read all the Buffy comics and watch Buffy all the time, but I need to make new heroes as well.

Thank you for everything you've done for me. Thanks for being one of my only friends in middle school and high school. Thanks for teaching me how to act confident, funny, brave, loving, and vulnerable when I was 11 and could barely figure out how to fit my hair through a door. Thanks for teaching me about selflessness, and teaching me that those with strength and privilege should never use it against those who don't have it, and should instead protect those more vulnerable than ourselves. Thank you for sharing your strength with women everywhere.

"I say my power, should be *our* power. Tomorrow, Willow will use the essence of this scythe to change our destiny. From now on, every girl in the world who might be a Slayer, will be a Slayer. Every girl who could have the power, will have the power. Can stand up, will stand up. Slayers, every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?"

I love you, Buffy. I want to be like you. I look up to you.
You're my hero.
love, babs

Dear Buffy

hey B,

I've been feeling kinda lonely lately, and kinda separated and lost, as if I'm in that pit that you and Dawn fell into in season five. I also really feel like lately my powers have been on the fritz, like yours when the counsel used crystals to drug and manipulate and hypnotize you. I guess the difference is I'm my own messed up evil crystal.

I just watched the episode where Faith shows up. I know Faith is erratic, unstable, snappy, insolent, brash, and over-defensive, but gosh, I LOVE her. You know how her first episode she tries to get you to "find the fun," and you struggle to maintain that you need to stay rigid and unwavering disciplined, in order to fend off the forces of darkness. I think I need to find the fun more, but often for me that can involve drinking or excessive socialization which in turn makes me less disciplined and less able to fight off the forces of darkness (meaning my own depression.) I know I have a lot of friends who love me dearly and I love them dearly. I guess I need to be a better of a friend to them, more nurturing, more like you.

Thanks for saving the world, a lot.
 

love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Dear Buffy,

I just read the comic where you and Willow fight to get your power back. I really feel like I'm fighting right now to get my power back too. For a while I was struggling to stay afloat, and the more I struggled, the harder it got. I was devoting all of my strength to one area of my life, and I neglected the other parts of my life that give me strength back, that give me power, and that make me me. When you were saying that you didn't feel like yourself without your slayer powers, I really understand. I am working hard to do the things that make me me, that make me feel strong and like myself. I am learning it's really important to nurture the power center of one's brain that makes us the warrior that we are, in order to best be able to be there for others. It seems counter-intuitive but I'm actually spending a lot less time with someone, so that I can work on my own inner strength, so that in the long run I can actually be there more for them than ever.


I just want to be a whole complete person but it's so lonely.
"There's that word again, what you are, how you'll die: alone."
"Isn't it great that we're hot chicks with super powers? Takes the edge off."



Love you, B,
Thanks for saving the world a lot.
Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

I just watched the episode from season one where Marcie becomes invisible. The invisible episodes always seem to affect me. I find it very poignant that she isn't a victim of a spell, it's her own insecurities fueling the demonic energy that turns her invisible. I can relate to that. I am pretty sure most of the crap that happens to me is the effect of my own problematic demonic energy that I create. (And I don't even live on a hellmouth!) I, however, would probably never turn invisible. I don't feel ignored, but rather extra scrutinized. I feel looked at, watched, examined, checked out, judged, and very much seen by others. And despite that, I don't truly feel known or heard by very many people. I think part of this is being a woman in a patriarchal society so fueled by the male gaze. But, part of it is also my profession as a performance artist. I guess I like performing because I feel looked at and scrutinized no matter what I do, so if I'm on the stage with a microphone, I can control HOW I'm being looked at. Also, I'm aware this is self centered and egotistical and that realistically, people don't really notice me. It's just a feeling I have of being exposed, of exposing myself.

I think my favorite part of the episode is when Cordelia confides in Buffy that she feels lonely. When Buffy asks why she works so hard to be popular if she still feels alone, Cordelia answers, "Because it's better than being alone all by yourself."

Love you, B
Babs

Dear Buffy,

Dear Buffy,

Hey B. I just watched the episode "The Pack," where Xander is infected with a hyena demon, and somewhat gradually deteriorates into a selfish, violent, predator. It kind of reminded me of what happened to our country, to my comedy community, and just collective unconscious thought in general. I know that sounds really pessimistic, especially for me, but I keep seeing tiny seeds of evil clog their way into the frame works of a group, and the destruction of common decency. I wonder if "the powers that be" chose the title "The Pack" with the theme in mind that often group think can release humanity's darker traits. It's like the election gave so many evil people encouragement and permission to be racist monsters, because, hey, if almost the popular vote could elect one... Right now the Cosby trial is underway, and the (group of) jurors are still deadlocked on what to me seems like a very easy decision. And in comedy, it seems like the more people in the community, the more likely as a whole they're able to excuse or ignore violence. Hiveminds often perpetuate our worst impulses.

I'm not saying I'm giving up fighting. I'm still trying to be an ally and stand up for what's right. I guess, in the end of the episode, your method to defeat the pack was to outsmart and then beat up an old crazy white man. ...That sounds like fun!

Keep saving the world, please.
love,
Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

Last night I fell asleep while watching the episode where you turn invisible. (Rhymes with blinvisible?) It's interesting how invisibility as a super power appeals to so many people. I understand and relate to how much you loved being invisible. It gave you the sense of existing less that you were craving, while also allowing you the freedom to move through your life without everyone constantly scrutinizing you. (One of the first sentences you said in the episode was to your hairdresser: "Make me... different.") It's a contradiction that I want so badly to be ridiculously famous for my work as a performance artist (stand up) but I reject the intensity of people looking at me. I love being on stage because I feel that I am controlling how I am being looked at and judged. But offstage, I feel eyes on me constantly, I feel judgement and often contempt, especially from men. I probably react defensively too often to this level of gaze and watchfulness. Being seen can be a heavy burden.

At other times I feel that I am invisible to other people. I often feel talked over, ignored, pushed down, and unseen. While on the outside I may be standing still quietly listening, on the inside I could be jumping up and down, waving my arms, calling out to others. Can you see me? Am I here?

My heart aches a little bit thinking about how the freedom of invisibility seduced you. I think a lot of young women crave to be seen less, to take up less space, to exist less. I wish I could empower women everywhere to stand up, to be loud and visible. I think you do that with your powers, but to be reminded that even someone as strong, compassionate, brave, and empowering as yourself still craves that invisibility... that makes me feel less alone.

Keel slaying. You save the world a lot.
love,
Babs

Dear Buffy

Dear Buffy,

I'm having a lot of problems dealing with triggers in my life. I know you've survived so much, and I am constantly in awe of your ability to handle triggering stimuli, and turn that pain into compassion and love for others. This letter isn't going to be very concise, and will mostly be about me, so if you don't feel like reading it, please don't!

A few years ago I was in an abusive relationship and I didn't realize it until he knocked me unconscious. To this day I still question what actually happened in the relationship. He would constantly bruise me, and in the beginning I thought they were just sex injuries, because I occasionally like rougher sex, but no partner before or since has ever bruised me during sex or at all. It took me months to realize I was getting the bruises and pains on days we didn't sleep together, simply from him picking me up to move me out of the way, or grabbing my arms or my side to move/ direct my body. I still on some level wonder whether it was just accidental coincidences, but it happened daily, like while we were having fun, or cooking, or watching tv. We weren't even fighting, he just repeatedly physically moved me around his home like an object, and I got really physically hurt. I still am confused about it. The emotional component of the relationship was also very confusing as well. The last day we spoke he knocked me unconscious and left me without checking on me.

Around the exact same time that I was trying to deal with this, two abusers were "outed" who had been close friends of mine in the past. I really struggled with knowing how to handle the information, and ended up cutting them both out of my life, but I was still very hurt and triggered and it sucked it was happening around the same time. Years before this I used to say to one of the abusers, "I love hanging out with you because I can pretend that a man as amazingly kind as you could ever love me in real life." Their outing confirmed the suspicion that no one could ever love me.

(I just want to say that I'm currently in a very healthy relationship with an amazing man who is sweet, kind, uses lots of consent language, is self aware, and is very trustworthy and treats me with utmost love.)

Currently I am being triggered/ reminded of this time of my life. I am in my limbic system. My heart is always pounding. My stomach is in knots. I don't really know how to get out of it. I keep having flashes of my abuser's cocky smirk, and feeling his hand on my arm. When I close my eyes I can see his face. When I see men with his body type or similar leather jacket, I feel like my internal organs are shaking. I feel like I'm vibrating like a humming bird. How do you get out of these triggers? Do you try to address and hold the anxiety? Do you try to physically move around and shake off the feelings?

Right now I feel like I can't be strong. I'm so sorry you had to go through this, and so many other heartbreaking traumas. I'm sorry to everyone who's had to go through this.

Dear Buffy happy Buffy Birthday

Dear Buffy,

Hey Buffy buddy! Happy 20 year anniversary!!!!!! Thank you for everything you've done for me, and for women everywhere!

Here are some things that you (Buffy) have done that have helped me in my life:

1. Taught me that loving others and being full of love and compassion is the greatest strength
2. Taught me that we need friends and family and reaching out to others
3. But also, that it's okay to take alone time
4. Exemplified altruism
5. Gave me the strength to finally wear leopard print
6. Allowed me to make fun of myself, other people, and laugh even when I'm sad (which is often. As Cordelia would say, I'm kinda a "little cry-buffy.")
7. Taught everyone that fighting for what you believe in is the only option, and you always have to try.
8. Reminded us that those with privilege need to stand up for those with less
9. Got me really into witch stuff and werewolf stuff
10. Taught me never to try to control another person, to respect everyone's consent
11. Reminded me that it was always okay to be sad or to be different, as long as you weren't hurting anyone
12. Taught me about relativity
13. Showed the world that super heroes can come in any package.

Thank you for everything.You empower women.That's saving the world. I hope to be like you when I grow up.

love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B! Happy International Women's Day!

I just want to say thank you for everything you've done to empower women in the last twenty years. Thanks for using the scythe to share your power with all women, instead of keeping the slayer abilities all to yourself. Thank you for being brave, strong, and full of love in the face of both evil and confusing moral ambiguity. Thank you for teaching me that compassion and love are a type of strength and that they give strength to others. I'm sorry that so much terrible stuff has happened, and keeps happening. I'm so sorry you and so many other amazing women have had to survive so much toxic masculinity (Angel, Riley, Xander) and assault (pre-ensouled Spike). Thank you for being one of the most altruistic women ever and letting your light give light to others. I hope in a few years everything is better and you can just chill out on a beach drinking margaritas and eating yummy sushi with (hopefully prophecy fulfilled) Spike.  

I want to be like you for other women when I grow up. (Even though now I'm older than you.)
You save the world a lot.

love,
Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

I recently watched part of the "Puppet Show" episode, which is so creepy and funny (just like us!) I always enjoyed the episodes where Giles is in danger. (Wait, that came out wrong...) I mean, I think it's really scary to see that even the person who seems the most level headed, the grown up assigned to protect you in some sense, he still is not impervious to harm. Especially right now, it seems like so many people are in danger in our world, and everything is so scary. I guess the only thing we can do is use what little power we do have to protect those who maybe can't protect themselves. That sounds like something Professor Xavier would say. I hope you're doing okay. I have a cold, reminds me of the creepy death demon that stalked the kids in the hospital. I wish you were here to slay it in a flu fever haze.

Keep slaying,
Babs

Dear Buffy,

Dear Buffy,

I recently was thinking about some of Willow's behavior in season six. She grows to become so controlling of Tara, messing with her mind, doing intense memory spells that backfired and almost killed the entire group, fighting when Tara was just trying to be helpful and supportive... I personally have been in relationships with controlling, manipulative people, (also see Spike and Buffy before he got his soul) and so many of my friends have as well. It's so scary because Willow was introduced as such a sweet, awkward, funny, gentle, nerd. (Honestly, she was much more relateable to teenage Babs than you were, Buffy.) How did Willow, who wore red cordoray overalls and baked treats for her teachers, grow into becoming an abusive partner? The short answer is that she became addicted to magic, which is an allegory for drugs. It scares me because if drugs could do that to Will, who's to say that my eating disorder hasn't in the past and won't in the future morph me into someone who can hurt the one they love? I guess in order to keep the people we care about safe, me and Willow both have to put in consistent work on our mental health. We have to take care of ourselves so that we don't hurt or viciously flay anyone. I'm gonna work on my mental health a lot this year.

love you, B,
Babs

Dear Buffy

Hey B,

It's early afternoon on New Year's Day, and right now I'm just staring at my computer the way you started at the tv on the day after you discovered beer in "Beer Bad." You touched the tv and you were like "I like tv, all the tiny people..."

Anyway, I hope this year is better than the previous. 2015 was so bad, and when it was over I was so happy because I thought nothing could have been worse than the year I was assaulted, cut out of a tv show I was in, and hit by a car. And then came 2016, and it was so rough and lonely. ("There's that word again, what you are, how you'll die: alone")

But I am totally going to be proactive girl this year. If I'm lonely, I'm going to reach out to friends. If I'm clinically depressed and suicidal, I'm gonna get on meds. (Even though when I'm depressed the idea of figuring out health insurance seems like fighting a horde of uber vamps.) If people don't think I'm funny, I'll get funnier. If the world is a horrible place and everything I'm worried about in the news comes to fruition, maybe I'll fly to the top of a mountain, erect a satanic temple, and destroy the world. We can dream.

Speaking of which, what's going on in the comics right now is a little on the nose and they've done a registration act plot a bunch of times in X-Men, but I forgive you because you're Buffy.

Keep slaying,
The hardest thing to do in this world is to live in it,
Babs

Dear Bufy

Hey B,

I'm having a really hard time hanging on right now. I feel like Spike in season 7, when he was trying really hard to be a good person, but because of the chip and the trigger, everyone still thought he was a monster. An ex of mine thinks I'm this horrible person, and is spreading rumors about me that I'm hateful, and really I'm trying to be good. I'm constantly trying to help others and to spread love and kindness. I try to volunteer for causes I care about, I make time to be there for my friends and family who need me, I work at a place that hopefully is helping and inspiring young people, and any free time I have I fill with trying to make art that has a positive message, that makes people laugh, and in turn makes the world a better place. I'm really really really fucking trying.

I feel like you in season six, "is this ...hell?"

Anyway, filled with love for people like you who bring love, confidence, and strength to others.
filled with love, burning brighter than the fire,
Babs

Dear Buffy

Hey B,

I didn't realize it was "Women's Equality Day" today! I watched the series finale today, which is perfect for Women's Equality, considering that in the end you empowered every girl/ woman in the world with the potential to be a slayer. Thank you so much for never competing with other women, and always being the kind of person to bring other women up and help them find their own strength. I love that your power stems from the kind of love that makes you believe there's enough power for all women to be "chosen" and none of us have to be "alone." I've learned a lot from you about how to be funny, how to flirt, how to joke when I'm feeling scared, how to be brave for others even when I'm terrified for myself, and how to be compassionate and strong. But mostly, I've learned from you how to love, and I believe that's where the bulk of my feminist beliefs come from. "It's not so much the hating men as it is the loving of women." -Willow.

Happy Women's Equality Day, Buffy! You save the world a lot!

B

Dear Buffy,

Hey B!

I'm at work right now... I'm working at a frozen yogurt shop, which is... just a step above the Doublemeat Palace! Sigh.

A few days ago a friend texted me "It's not easy, Babs, but I love you a lot." I think they meant it in a nice way. But it's not the first time someone has told me that I'm difficult to love. It reminded me so much of when Halfrek came to visit Anya and Anya said about Xander, "He's very kind and brave. He has the sweetest smile and the nicest body. And he loves me. Sometimes that isn't easy, but he does."

Halfrek replied, "Who told you it wasn't easy to love you?"

OHMYGOD

I guess I've been thinking about love a little bit the last few days. I love people pretty freely and easily, but I definitely feel that other people for whatever reason have a hard time loving me back. Maybe they don't trust me or maybe I'm so shy and quiet that they just simply don't enjoy being around me because I'm not fun and gregarious. (My "mousey ways" as Willow would say.) As you know I usually identify with you or Willow, but in that moment I just started crying when I thought about how othered and lonely Anya must feel.

I love you, Buffy. It burns brighter than the fire.
Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

How are you?! That's a silly question, you just lost a friend and the apocalypse is about to start! (That's where I am in the comics, but really that could apply to like 70% of your life.)

I'm doing really well. I get kinda lonely, but I've been really reaching out to my scoobies and I feel very loved and surrounded by friends a lot. That's something I've learned from you. I'm at the part of the tv show right now where Willow is really trying to battle her magic addiction... Thanks for always being such a good friend and so loving and caring for her, even though you couldn't really understand how or why she was struggling that way. That's how I feel like my friends are there for me with my depression, anxiety, and food issues. My friends are all amazing. I think they all have a lot of super powers. "I just realized you have super powers. That is so cool." -Glory.

I just watched the episode with you and Spike... Ohmygodohmygodohmygod so hot. I really relate to that kind of attraction to someone, even though you know he's not good for you. I recently ended a relationship with a very nice man because I couldn't handle that it wasn't monogamous and he was only dating me until his girlfriend got back in town. (Not trying to talk shit about anyone who is poly, just saying it isn't for me.) So, even though I knew it wasn't healthy for me, I still found him super stupidly hot, just like how you liked Spike. I just want to accidentally destroy an old house with my love making.

Anyway. I've missed you, B.

love, Barbara

Dear Buffy

Dear B,

Wow, this last issue of Buffy was... beautifully cathartic and heartwrenching. I, like you, am a survivor of assault and abuse. Additionally, I, like you, was (still is sometimes) dealing with a lot of depression during that period of my life and subsequently I put myself in a lot of positions I wouldn't normally have if I were dealing with my emotions. Therefore I blamed myself for a lot of the horrible things that have happened. Also, I personally knew men who committed violence to women, and the entire time they were doing it, they rationalized their behavior, and didn't see what they were doing as assault. I have known so many women who have experienced assault, rape, manipulation, coercion... I know that the statistic is that it's 1/4 women have experienced that, but it seems like SO many more than 1/4. Not to mention, I know that the statistic is much higher than 1/4 for women of color. It's really hard to trust men, given the statistics, and given my history (and your history) of trusting men and having them turn out to be monsters.

Like you did, I get triggered a lot when men touch me, and I feel hurt, scared, and angry when tiny unrelated things remind me of something that happened. It can be anything from seeing someone that looks like someone, or from hearing an innocuous sentence, being touched in a similar way, a song, a certain situation, hearing the name of the person... I experience an icy shudder of dejavu and it makes me feel like throwing up, screaming, punching and sobbing all at once. I'm angry at the men that used to be my friends who have done horrible things. I'm also angry and terrified at myself for trusting them, for putting myself and people I love in the pathway of so much hurt.

I love the way Jean put it. Helping women does make me feel a lot better. Helping anyone makes me feel better. Talking, living, loving makes you strong... "But most of all yourself, that makes you strong." It never goes away. There's no easy way to heal these dark wounds. The pain and the triggers will always be there, but the strength that we all have in ourselves is what makes it manageable. The love we have for others and ourselves is where we draw our power, our gift.

Love, Babs.

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

Just watched the episode "All the Way" based on Halloween in Season 6. I love how awkward you are with Spike when you guys run into each other in the Magic Shop basement. I haven't been with anyone romantically in a long time... and I haven't really wanted to. I've been kinda closed off girl lately. I think if there was anyone in my life right now similar to Spike pre-soulifying, I would fall for them, just because they were wrong for me. Similarly, Dawn doesn't exactly make smart decisions in this episode either. Awwwe, I miss the time of being young and kissing random boys I didn't know at all- oh wait that literally has NEVER happened to me in my life. Shudder. 

Anyway, Giles rocks!

love B

Dear Buffy

Hiya B...  You doing okay, buddy? A few nights ago I watched the second Halloween episode, "Fear Itself" from season four. I of course love that episode and I love you...but it's weird watching two Halloween episodes back to back. You're so insecure in both "Halloween" and "Fear Itself" and both time about a guy! I mean, I totally can relate to having felt that before, but you just seemed so sad and listless in Fear Itself. I'm sorry Parker is a dummy. And I know me telling you you're a total catch isn't gonna make it any easier for you to be bravery confident-girl, but I just wish all my friends could see themselves as the smart, beautiful, brilliant, amazingly cool women that they are.

Don't be afraid that you're gonna be alone.

This episode definitely made me miss Oz.

Love you, B,
Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B!

Sorry I haven't written a lot lately. I've kinda been shutting myself off from people, like you did in season 6 and 7... (and well, in all of them.)

I just watched the episode Halloween last night, where you all turn into your costumes. It always puts me in a weird head space because I look up to you SO much (even though you're 16 in this episode..) and I think of you as such a strong person, and to see you so insecure about your looks kinda throws me. But on the other hand it's very real and relateable. I get very insecure about my weight, and it's not even to impress a 200 year old vampire. (I'm alone, haha) I think I get insecure about my weight because of something deeper, not so much aesthetic. Like I'm insecure about how much I exist, and how much I annoy everyone. Similarly, I think you being insecure about your hair and makeup and clothes... maybe you're not insecure that you don't have time to put effort into your looks, maybe you're insecure that you don't have time to take care of yourself as much as you want to.

I should be psychoanalyzing you, I cried while reading a book last night.

Anyway, I don't know if I'll take your "Halloween is come as you aren't" advice, because I wanna wear something kinda cute and funny, and hopefully that's not too far off base from who I am.

Man, foreboding Giles drama...

See you soon,
Love you, B,
Babs