Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

I just watched the episode from season one where Marcie becomes invisible. The invisible episodes always seem to affect me. I find it very poignant that she isn't a victim of a spell, it's her own insecurities fueling the demonic energy that turns her invisible. I can relate to that. I am pretty sure most of the crap that happens to me is the effect of my own problematic demonic energy that I create. (And I don't even live on a hellmouth!) I, however, would probably never turn invisible. I don't feel ignored, but rather extra scrutinized. I feel looked at, watched, examined, checked out, judged, and very much seen by others. And despite that, I don't truly feel known or heard by very many people. I think part of this is being a woman in a patriarchal society so fueled by the male gaze. But, part of it is also my profession as a performance artist. I guess I like performing because I feel looked at and scrutinized no matter what I do, so if I'm on the stage with a microphone, I can control HOW I'm being looked at. Also, I'm aware this is self centered and egotistical and that realistically, people don't really notice me. It's just a feeling I have of being exposed, of exposing myself.

I think my favorite part of the episode is when Cordelia confides in Buffy that she feels lonely. When Buffy asks why she works so hard to be popular if she still feels alone, Cordelia answers, "Because it's better than being alone all by yourself."

Love you, B

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