Monday, May 29, 2017

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

Last night I fell asleep while watching the episode where you turn invisible. (Rhymes with blinvisible?) It's interesting how invisibility as a super power appeals to so many people. I understand and relate to how much you loved being invisible. It gave you the sense of existing less that you were craving, while also allowing you the freedom to move through your life without everyone constantly scrutinizing you. (One of the first sentences you said in the episode was to your hairdresser: "Make me... different.") It's a contradiction that I want so badly to be ridiculously famous for my work as a performance artist (stand up) but I reject the intensity of people looking at me. I love being on stage because I feel that I am controlling how I am being looked at and judged. But offstage, I feel eyes on me constantly, I feel judgement and often contempt, especially from men. I probably react defensively too often to this level of gaze and watchfulness. Being seen can be a heavy burden.

At other times I feel that I am invisible to other people. I often feel talked over, ignored, pushed down, and unseen. While on the outside I may be standing still quietly listening, on the inside I could be jumping up and down, waving my arms, calling out to others. Can you see me? Am I here?

My heart aches a little bit thinking about how the freedom of invisibility seduced you. I think a lot of young women crave to be seen less, to take up less space, to exist less. I wish I could empower women everywhere to stand up, to be loud and visible. I think you do that with your powers, but to be reminded that even someone as strong, compassionate, brave, and empowering as yourself still craves that invisibility... that makes me feel less alone.

Keel slaying. You save the world a lot.

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