Dear Buffy,

Hey B, I was thinking about how you got sick basically three times in the course of 9 times, while I seem to get sick like every other week, whenever my low self esteem starts inviting the germs in like the slowest most passive aggressive suicide attempt ever. Anywhoodles. You always seem to get sick for inixplicable magical reasons, which I can relate to. But then you, or one of your equally powerful strong friends, usually heals yourself; you save yourself constantly from all sorts of demons. I wish I could say the same. It sucks that I'm so much older than you, and the demons I battle are so much less life threatening and serious. I'm embarrassed that I have to fight the body image and I-think-I'm-a-horrible-person demons. It feels so silly to have these problems at my age. I feel pathetic and weak, the opposite of a slayer, a victim. In Charmed they call the victims "innocents" which is more empowering, but doesn't feel right because I'm a lot like Brittany Spears, not that good of a singer. I wish I was inspiringly badass, sweet, caring, quirkily witty and good at dancing like you. I wish I was strong enough that I could conquer all of my problems without feeling embarrassed. I wish I was more like you. Sometimes I practice walking like you. I need a hug. Can Willow do a spell to make me love myself?

I love you and I love everything you do for young women, for your friends, for innocent people everywhere, and I appreciate your powers, abilities, strength, and kindness.

Oh, I don't know.
Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

Sorry I haven't written in a while. I just got a job! Finally. I'm a productive member of society again! By which I mean I'm working at a call center. It's actually really awesome and I love it. I want to be really good at it. It's hard starting something new because I don't like not being good at things. I'm like "why does she have gold stars on her desk? I know I've worked here two days but I want one!" You know what it's like not being the best at things- oh sorry, of course you don't. You're Buffy. Sometimes it's hard being friends with someone so perfect, but I make it work.

I'm going through another unrequitted love situation. Surprised? It seems to be my M.O. (Doe MO stand for Monster Obligation?) Both you and Willow seem to get your heart shattered into a bzillion pieces and then eaten and then vommitted back up into the mouth of a octopus waaaaaay less than I do. Maybe that's because you have more important things to worry about with all the apocalypses. Or maybe it's because you're both such strong, smart, beautiful, kind, loving, passionate women that anyone would be dumb to turn away from you. Unlike me. I am not a heroine. I am a side character. It's stupid to even compare my life to yours when if I lived in a Whedon universe I wouldn't be a sassy quirky adorable hero. I'd be the mean villian girl's fat dumb friend.

Too dark?

Comedy's going okay. I'm making art and I'm sorta jogging again and I'm trying to be happy. Is it difficult work for most people to be happy? Or do others do it easily? I feel like I throw money and time into so many resources just for the hope of one day not thinking about suicide. It's a constant every day struggle to just see some hope. And other people just never even worry about it, right? Oh, B... it's getting darker and weirder and harder.

I want to be a better person. I want to be kind and loving and emotionally and physically healthy and empathetic towards others. I don't know if that'll ever happen. I am too selfish and narcissistic to ever be anything but a vampire. But I weirdly possess some self awareness of my own inherent evils, but not the altruism to do something about them?

Man, high school's weird, amiright? HAHAHAHAHAHA.

I miss you. I miss me. I think.

Love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

I have so many feelings! I just watched the Thanksgiving episode. It might be my least favorite. NOT because of you or anything anyone did. Everyone was beautiful and brilliant. Maybe I just hate Thanksgiving. I never look forward to national bulimic day coming back up. (Pun so intended.) Spike is so layered and weird. I am really developing sympathy for him, despite the fact that he did such horrible deeds and he is such a pig. I guess, I myself have done really horrible things and I'm kinda hoping that now I'm starting to kinda get redemption. I'm working on being a better person and I think I'm learning from my mistakes, but it's hard because I'm not as strong as I'd like to be to fully not make the same mistakes again.

Anywhoodles. Miss you tons. Hold Willow for me, okay? I know it doesn't seem like as big as stopping an apocalypse but it still hurts. When a guy leaves but it's not you, it's him, but it sorta feels like it's definitely you.... I know Greg Behrendt (He's Just Not That Into You) would have feelings to say about that... Gosh that hurts. HUG HER HUG HER HUG HER okay.

Miss you, B!
love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B! I'm having kinda a hard couple of days, or weeks, or maybe a month. I'm watching reruns to help me... But it's kinda weird because we know each other so well, it's almost not escapism anymore. It's like, oh Buffster is fighting a giant monster while a wiccan gets her heart broken and a vampire drowns his emotions in violent outbursts; this is almost TOO relateable. I just watched "Beer Bad." I totally underestimated that episode. Usually I think it's dumb. I'm kinda going through some boy involved heart hurting time so it really hit the spot. We're so conditioned by romantic comedies to want that happy ending. But is it happy? I really craved that Mr. Darcy-esque scene where Parker realized he made a mistake hurting you and begged for your forgiveness, and then you hit him over the head with a stick. Perfect. You're an inspiration to women, heroes, and people who dislike tired plot tropes.

Miss you. I really need a girlfriend to be a big spoon sometimes.

love, Babs.

Dear Buffy,

Hey B!

I went to Eugene last night and headlined a show! It was so much fun to get to do a longer set. It felt like i was really working out my strengths and training hard. I don't get to do that a lot. I did 40 minutes! It was so scary, like coming into slayer powers. Okay, I'm sorry for bragging. That's the difference between slayers and comedians; comedians have to kinda hate themselves if they want to keep any of their friends.

I'm trying really hard to make friends and get better at talking to people. I'm still so shy. I remember when Willow used to be like this, but even then she was interesting and funny and smart and could talk to people. I guess I don't think she seemed that shy. She talked to lots of people, she just did it sorta quietly and politely. Maybe I should try that, being polite? Now I have to google how to be polite!

Anywhoodles. I miss you. I'm lonely.
love, Babs

Dear Buffy

Dear Buffy,

I'm sitting in a coffee shop writing this, thinking of you. It's been so long since I had a job-job (not a comedy related freelance project) I was just thinking "I like coffee shops. I wonder how Buffy got that job in a coffee shop. Oh I would probably be bad at that." My self esteem's kinda low lately for comedy and otherwise. I think I need Giles, or a therapist. I know, your experience with therapists wasn't that good, but they can be really important and helpful. I can definitely tell that I haven't seen one in a while. It's really manifesting in my interpersonal relationships. I'll be like "no one wants me around" but I know they don't not want me around. People don't actively disdain my presence; they don't even think about me. (There's a real perk of being a wallflower) People don't hate me; they nothing me. Oh uh, maybe I'll turn invisible like Willow accidentally did.

Anywhoodles. I miss you a lot. I'm getting really lonely. Write back?

Love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B! How's it going? I haven't really heard from you in a while. It's all Billy this, Billy that. He's a really nice guy, but he's no slayer! In comedy when we talk about someone negatively behind their back (like jerks) a lot of times we're like, "He's a great guy." OR "She's funny." (See what I did there? Feminism lalala!) My point is Buffster, in the beautiful realm of sequential art, I don't wanna read about no Y-chromosome owner unless I do and then it's probably Peter Parker, sniff sniff, hold me?

Anywhoodles. Portland, in true form to it's mantra, got weird. You know what's unrealistic? They never really showed someone like Jonathon asking you out and you having to figure out how to deal with it, although I'm sure it happened a ton.

I wish I was better at comedy. I wish I was better at everything. You never really had anyone better than you at slaying to look up to. That's kinda a weird dynamic. Whenever I see my wonderful funny friends doing something I feel so inspired to be better, but sometimes I feel frustrated, because what if intrinsically I'm just incapable of that level of cleverness and charm? What if a sense of humor is a natural ability, that no matter how hard I work, I just will never have?

I get excited about veiny black eyed Willow. Mostly because after Tara (RIP) I kinda trust Will to be strong enough to jump out of it. That's how I used to be with nervous breakdowns. Yes, I'm crying and shaking, but I'm a strong person and I know how to fight this. Now I don't know. Knock on coffee cup!

love ya!
Babs