Dear Buffy,

I've been feeling a little lost lately. Like, I feel like if I was a slayer but one day I woke up and I wasn't a slayer, and then what would my purpose be? Except, I was never really a slayer to begin with, was I? Well, at least not in the traditional sense. But I certainly don't feel all that extradinary lately. I don't feel special. And, it's not like I expect to feel like I'm "...one girl in all the world, she alone..." level of special. But I wish every one felt "chosen" for something or other. I do believe that about most people, just not myself lately. My friends are so incredible, it's hard not to look at them and see their magicks. Everyone around me is spectacular, a hero, and I guess that makes me the Zeppo. I guess I think that everyone has powers and mine will probably come back eventually, (like yours after your 18th birthday test). Regardless, the best part about my life is the incredible, sweet, talented, brilliant scoobies I am surrounded by.

I love you B,
B

Dear Buffy,

Hey girl,

How's it going, B? I'm great, generally really happy, either that or I'm totally lying to myself girl. Regardless, that's probably not even that bad... You are strong for your friends and family and you put on a brave face, and I guess that's what I think I've been doing for myself. Before I can fight all the demons and save the scoobies, I gotta fight my own inner demons and save myself, right? Anywhoodles, I've been doing real good, having fucking fun all the time, being the id of me. I'm like Willow when she and Amy were doing all the magicks and you and Faith when you were partying before Faith went evil and accidentally stabbed a dude. Except I'm my own Faith. I'm my own dark side and I nurture that part of me and take care of her. I can't let my inner id wither despite all my responsibilities and duties. You know why I can't just forget about id-girl? "Because it's wrong."

Hope all is totes shiny,
love you brighter than the fire, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B, it's me, B...

So, I've been reading about this "yesallwomen" and "notallmen" twitter party. I wasn't trying to get involved because the folks who started it were defensive, overcompensating, "nice guys" aka a bunch of whiny Jonathons. However, after the drama hurt some of my friends very badly, it started to get to me.

Anyway, on a completely unrelated note... Hey, Buffy, did you know...

Not all vampires are soulless. Well two have souls, Spike and Angel and they got them through fighting a demon and being cursed by gypsies respectively. Most are soulless.

Not all vampires murder humans. Most do, traditionally. However there's a lot in the Twilight universe and Being Human who choose to be "vegetarian" vampires. And that freaks me out even more that there vampires do have a choice and most of them choose willingly to be blood sucking evil murderers. It's terrifying.

Not all vampires burn in the sunlight. It's not like they'll get a tan or anything.

Not all vampires lack a reflection. How else could you explain how attractive and well groomed and shaven the all are?

And, well, Yes All Slayers are amazing, strong, beautiful, brilliant, loving, passionate women with the potential and the power to help others.

Dear Buffy,

Hey girl, um, um... oh my god am I the Angel of my own life? Do I just exist in each episode to be emo and create tension for the protagonist (who is also me)? I'm always standing outside my own room in the shadows looking forlorn and worried and like a sad puppy. I'm vibing really loudly, "Someone love me!" but I'm vibing that at myself. And then I'm like, "Hey dork, if you want me to love you (myself) then be loveable!"

Last night I watched the episode where you try to make Thanksgiving and get haunted. Spike's really funny in it. And white guilt is always good fun.

I'm trying to get my life in order. I just got a new awesome job. I sorta did some laundry. I cleaned my room and went to the doctor... I still feel lonely and lost. I want to feel like I'm loved and a part of something. I'm working so hard to get my life together, but I still feel like I'm floundering somewhat. I just no matter what still feel like... "I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m- or enjoy warm, delicious, cookie me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done."

Miss you, B. 

love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey girl,

I've been feeling really depressed lately, like I should be doing more with my life, I should be farther along in my career, but instead I'm just floating, drinking, smoking, sexing, partying. I'm like you and Faith in "Bad Girls" before the accidental staking. Great, all I need to do is to accidentally murder a bad guy to knock some sense into me and make me turn my life around. Piece of stake. I do feel like I work really hard on my art, like you do with slaying, but maybe I'm having too much fun in Portland, being too much of a free spirited teenager, like when you got invisibility powers for a day: it was really fun and freeing and you felt like you didn't have to be accountable, but you were sorta disappearing in the process. Ugh, why do I have to think my thoughts and feel my feelings so hard? Oh, right, because your new comic hasn't come out yet... but soonsies! Yay, escapism!

Thanks for saving the world a lot.

love, Babs

DEAR BUFFY,

Hey B,

Is this what happiness feels like? I feel super happy with my life with my friends and my love life. I adore my scoobies. Actually, honestly, I'm probably the scoobie and maybe Jen is the you. Except on Saturday I took a quiz and it said if I was a Whedon heroine I would be you because I'm witty and I love my friends more than anything. BUT there's a small chance I might have tried to trick the quiz to get that answer. I wish I thought about my friends more than anything. I wish I was like you, a better friend and sister. I also wish I was like you in the aspect of making something happen with my life. I feel so lost, like I'm not doing anything. I constantly work on my comedy and performance art stuff, and I DO think I'm getting better, but I don't barely notice that my career trajectory is moving forward at all. Life's not a song...

ANYWHOODLES
love you so much, B,
Can't wait to see you again in the comics. I've missed you A LOT.

Babs

Dear Buffy,

HEY B!

Valentine's Day is tomorrow. Have you EVER celebrated Valentine's Day? And by celebrated I don't mean partied via slayage of evil demons. I guess that's technically what any party should be ostensibly, the slaying of evil mental demons, dark thoughts, the banishment and exorcism of anxieties, etc. Having a holiday for the sole purpose of celebrating love is weird. Shouldn't all holidays celebrate love? It burns brighter than the fire. Love will lead us to our gift. Except love with Angel because he suuuuuucks. Literally. Ugh.

My life is going okay, as usual struggling with my career or lack thereof. I so want to have a destiny, to be chosen. I want to believe that EVERYONE is chosen, that every woman is special to existence with the potential to help others and save the world a lot.

I dunno. Yeah.
love,
Babs