Dear Buffy,

Hey buddy,

I'm having a really hard time with stand up lately and my relationships with people. I feel like a lot like I think you did in season six when you... came back. I know I didn't really go anywhere like heaven, but to me, being good at stand up and having a path was my heaven. I had a purpose; I belonged. And now I don't know where I fit in. I feel lost. I mean, I'm not giving up stand up, obviously, but I feel like I had a purpose. Death was my gift. And now I have nothing. "Is this hell?" God that moment is more heartbreaking than any real life moment I've ever had. I want to hug you so badly.

I kinda worry that I'm like Billy the Vampire Slayer, and not like one of the chosen ones like you. Like I don't have super strength but I work really hard. In mainstream terms that makes me more like Batman than Wonderwoman... It breaks my heart.

I feel like I'm trying to give up stand up like Willow tried to give up magick. It feels like I have an addiction, a coping problem. It feels like a mental illness or an addiction that's hurting me, draining me of my own lifeforce. But I can't let go. In the end, stand up is part of me, it's in my heart, and I'm a part of it. I can't let it go.

Okay, you're so wonderful, thank you for reading all these and listening. I love your strength and power and vulnerability. I love you, Buffy. Thanks.

love, Babs