Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

Having a really hard time with anxiety lately. I feel like a little like I'm turning into a chaos demon, like Giles did when you were a freshman. But I wasn't cursed or poisoned or tricked. I just maybe naturally have the chaos demon writhing inside of me, trying to get out and wreak havok on innocents. I don't want to do bad things. I don't want to be a bad person. I want to be good. But everything feels tense, clenched up and violent inside of my heart sometimes.

I think it's because today is my birthday. I always feel so weird on my birthday because I've never felt like I've had a tight group of Scoobies like you do. I always feel like a burden when I ask people "Hey, want to celebrate my being born? Want to be happy and joyous about my existence?" It feels gross, since I feel guilty for my existence so much, so how could I ask others to rejoice it? I don't understand what the monks made me for, but I get the feeling it's something dark and apocolyptic.

I don't like the attention that comes with birthdays. It's a lot of affection that feels obligatory. I have already cried happy tears just from the sheer love that's come my way. It feels so good to be showered with love, I don't understand why people don't do it all the time. I kinda try to, but I'm not great at it yet. I'm a constant work in progress in my efforts to become a more compassionate, warm, loving person, one awkard complimentary confession of unbridled Peta Mallarkesque unconditional love at a time.

You're still one of my heroes. I wish I had your strength and ability to love passionately and unabashedly. Isn't it so great that we have these feelings? I might be part demon, but it's a kind of demon with a soul and an ability to love I think.

I don't know.
love you!
Babs

Dear Willow, (Care of Buffy)

Hey Will,

I know how hard everything's been with giving up the magicks. I'm so sorry for all of the pain you must be going through. I have had similar problems with food adiction, caused by intense anxiety. The nerves make it so easy to slip into an unhealthy vice like magick, especially when the vice gives you the strength to cope with circumstances that seem overwhelming. I think magick is a lot like food, in that you obviously can't give it up 100%, you just have to learn to have a healthy relationship with it.

I have been addicted to food for emotional anxiety reasons since I was about 12. I've burried all of my emotions in it. But lately I've been working on outgrowing that addiction, and obviously I can't just cut food out like alchohol or drugs, so I'm forced to learn to have a positive relation to it. It's been so difficult dealing with anxiety without that as a coping mechanism. I just have to let the anxiety wash over me and accept my feelings and then try to let go of them. I'm trying to accept anxiety, not obsess so much if everyone else is okay or if I'm constantly hurting my loved ones with my actions and words. But it's difficult because I know that I could just make it all go away if I curled up in a dark room with a pizza. And I'm sure the way I feel about pizza or sandwiches is the way you feel about the ability to rip a man's skin from his bones. (Yum, tomatoey!)

We just need to practice inner balance and love and compassion. The world is a beautiful place if we're not constantly crippled with our desperate, obsessive compulsive vices, no matter how cool it looks when you fly.

I admire you for your strength and inner grace that gives you the ability to be more powerful than magick, one of the most powerful forces in the universe. You are an inspiration to me and to women everywhere that deal with compulsions and stuff. Thank you for your wonderfulness and your power and unique, thoughtful perspective.

Blessed Be.
Love,
Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey girl! Sorry for saying "hey girl" that's not me. That's not us, our speech patterns. I hear a lot of men say that to each other lately and then laugh as if to say "wouldn't it be silly if we were girls? HAHAHA that is so ridiculous!" I don't like it. It seems like gender politics has been coming up a lot lately in the comedy community. It's weird that when you were in high school, over 13 years ago,  things seemed more progressive as far as sexual dynamics went, or maybe everyone was too worried about vampires and werewolves and apocolypses to say "hey you're a tiny little girl, you can't be a superhero!"

Hope Dawnie is okay. My heart goes out to you. I'm sending good vibes her way. Nothing is harder than fearing you're losing your sibling, the person you're closest too by blood and by love.

love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Yesterday I had a really hard day. I wrote something for a magazine and a lot of my "friends" posted things on there about how much of a bitch I am. It really hurt my feelings. I mean they didn't pull me out of a heavenly demension, make me dig out of my own grave, and then plop me straight into a biker fight, but that's because I guess they don't really love me. I guess they really aren't my friends. It was really hard for me. And my true friends were loyal and wonderful, of course, but it just sucked to be reminded that most people see me as a villian. It's not like I thought I was a hero, but I just thought I was a non-important character that didn't matter. It hurts a lot that I do matter, but in the bad way. I feel like something's wrong with me. I feel like how you must have felt when you came back and you realized Spike could hit you even though he had his chip in. I'm broken.

I love my scoobies, and I love you.
Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B! I'm sick (AGAIN!) but feeling in a super good mood, a little stressed, but good. I was watching some Glory tension climaxing last night and I realized that I would definitely sacrafice myself for a sibling or for the greater good, like you did. BUT I don't know if that's because I'm altruistic and a good person, or if I just don't value my existence at all, so it wouldn't matter if I sacraficed myself. It's hard to tell if there's every truly such thing as a selfless good deed, but I'm working on it. Did I just make it real sad?

My tummy hurts. I need to stop pretending food is love or comfort or the ability to have powerful magickal strength.

I believe in you and I appreciate all you do to inspire young women everywhere.

love, Babs

Dear Buffy

I was just thinking about how I have never really been invited to a wedding. I don't want to go to a wedding persai. I probably would feel anxious and uncomfortable and say something inappropriate and/or drunk, like one of Xander's relatives. I don't feel like I'm missing out that I've never gone, but I just feel a little depressed that I don't have any friends that close. You have such a close tight knit group of friends that you've known since you were 15 and have bonded with over life and death situations. I guess stand up kinda can feel like a life or death situation. And I do love my fellow comedians and performance artists more fiercly than I've ever loved anything. I just am a little envious of that bond that is forged from fighting the apocolypse and smelly demons over and over again. I don't know if I have anyone in my life that is so close with me they would invite me to the happiest day of their life.

I don't know.

Babs

Dear Buffy,

Last night I was having sorta a really panicky depressed night, which was weird because my day was great. I was having a wonderful happy day, and then all of the sudden one little tiny interaction made me the most anxious depressed demon in the world. When I got home I was miserable and lonely and sad and I couldn't even handle my own thoughts. I turned on an episode of Season 5... It worked like perfect escapism. The real world washed away and I immiedietly calmed down. It was the episode with the robot Warren made, designed specifically to love him, and then he didn't want her. The robot girlfriend really reminded me of my last relationship. At the begining, I was perfect for him, like I was designed and created to love him, and he pursued me relentlessly, and as soon as I reciprocated the feelings, he turned his off. I was programmed to love him and as soon as my programming was activated, it was like almost abrasive to him. I hate that, that a guy can like everything about you, but then as soon as you like them back they don't want anything to do with you. It makes me feel like shit, like there's something wrong with my programming, like I'm unlovable or evil. I get that the robot girl wasn't evil, she was just heartbroken and that somehow is more dangerous than real evil. I felt so bad for that robot girl. I thought you handled it very well. You might have only been a big sister for a few months, but it seems like you were made to love people. You have a really big heart. I hope one day I can be like you. I love and respect you for your compassion, sense of integrity, and strength for others.

This weekend I could use a little magick vibes. Have Willow send me a good thought.

love you forever, Babs