Dear Buffy,

Lately I feel kinda season sixy... Like this dude is kinda messing with my emotions like the trio did when they tested you. I wish I could explain away some of this anxiety and craziness by blaming it on otherworldy phenomena interefence, but the truth is: I'm a hot mess and I am kinda lonely and weird and I don't relate well to other people. I wish I could be like Spike and be okay with the fact that I don't relate well to others and just be a loner, but the truth is, as much as I am very alone; I desperately wish to be a Buffy or a Willow, someone with scoobies.

love,
Babs

Dear Buffy,

Last night and the night before I had a dream that I was on a date with Spike. I think he had his soul at this point, but it was maybe in the post saving the world situation because he was cocky and stuff. On one of the dates it was Valentine's Day and it was a super fancy classy vampire bar (I know, weird, right?) full of witches and demons and I fit right in even though I was clearly very shy and inexperienced in the black arts, but also in social situations and dating. I'm not inexperienced in sex, just dating. (I mean, it's not like you were a pro at it when you guys hooked up...) At one point during the date Spike said, "Oh, don't look now, Pet, but your ex is here and he brought his trollop. I'm so sorry, love. Do you want to make out to make him jealous?" And then we had a steamy make out but there was no ex there whatsoever! So fricking cheeky!

love,
Babs

Dear Buffy,

I'm like Spike after he came back from the dead (I guess the second time?). I feel like I'm fading from everyone and everything, unable to touch or interact. However, I didn't get to do anything really rad like save the world in a super self sacraficial heroic way. How come that prophecy thing for sure isn't about Spike? The idea of destiny seems so cheesy in Angel, but that's kinda how I feel lately, like my entire life has been decided and that it's futile for me to even be trying because I'll never get to "be a real boy" to use Spike's phrasing.

love you lots,

B

Dear Buffy,

Hi B!

This last week I've been feeling... (what if I just ended the letter there? ha.) feeling a lot like Willow season six dealing with her magic addiction. I feel like I just said, "I'm stronger than this. I can beat this." (About my foods problems, not literal magic.) Of course, Will was 21 when she went through that and I'm 27.... ugh.... I wouldn't be judging anyone else if they went through what I go through, and yet I'm so hard on myself. And, it's not like I crashed a car with my mind and broke the arm of anyone's kid sister. I am my own kid's sister. (That would be a great band name.) I feel like you just hid all of my magic stuff and took away all of my crystals and candles but Amy the ex-rat is still lurking about.

It's not my fricking birthday.

love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey Buff,

So, I'm not doing so well, which you probably assumed because I'm writing to you. I'm having a really hard time with comedy and my food problems. I feel like Faith, alone, isolated, like I don't have anyone really close to me, mostly because I don't let them get close to me. I let my fear and sadness evolve into anger like she does and then I allow that anger to propel my fight (for her literal fighting and slaying, for me comedying). I wish I was like you, propelled by love to fight. I wish I felt like I was full of love and it burned brighter than the fire. But, in the end, I just feel like I'm all alone, like the episode where Willow came back and made herself invisible accidentally and got locked in a cave with a blood slurping demon. All alone, little lamb.

love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,

As per usual, I'm going all wonky about life. All my food is coming to life and staring at me and telling me how I feel. Can food read minds? Did it get an aspect of a demon? And even if food is psychic, how did it get so pushy? I feel like the food problem might be coming back to life, like Willow slaughtered a deer over a gravestone and wiped blood on her t-zone. I'm not like seriously falling off the wagon, more like when Amy gave Willow a birthday present spell and she sorta fell off the wagon, but it didn't count because Amy dosed her, and she didn't work the magicks herself. That's how I feel. I ate a lot the last few days, but I didn't throw up so it's my birthday?

Lotsa questions. Fun.
love, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey Bb! Happy Halloweeeeeeen!

Halloween is supposed to be the one day of the year (in the Buffyverse) when demons take the night off from inflecting evils. If we're going to carry this metaphor into my life (as I always do) that would mean tonight is the night in which all of my inner demons (anxiety, depression, struggling with comedy, boys, friendships, etc) chill the heck out. Well, we'll see! I think I love Halloween because I love the escapism of dressing up and I love watching scary movies and thinking about ghosts and goblins and anything in the fantasy realm, because it takes me away from my own life. I love ghosts and vampires and witches because when they're around everyone is as scared and anxious as I am EVERY DAY EVER. I have to go to LA next week and audition for this thing,... and I'm second guessing all of my powers and abilities. I feel like I'm battling Glory, and I can't beat her, but I have to keep fighting, or quit.

love, Babs