Dear Buffy,

Hey buddy,

How's life going? I'm at a weird stage; I guess I feel like "I'm going through the motions." I'm kinda just treading water as far as my comedy career goes, like you did in season four when you asked Giles to start training you harder and be your watcher again. I do feel like my art itself is getting better and that I'm continuing to grow as a comic in new and exciting ways, but career wise I'm just... stuck. I think part of it is my depression and anxiety; they keep me from furfilling my full potential, like "the curse" keeps Angel from one moment of true happiness aka orgasming inside you. When my depression gets bad it feels like I'm stuck inside my own head, like you were literally when you thought you had lost Dawn to Glory. I wish I had a Willow to pull me out of my head. Bryan used to do that for me. I wish I could be strong enough to help others the way you and Bryan do. I wanna help. I don't wanna be a burden. I wanna be strong.

walk through the fire,
Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B,
I seriously feel like I have a chip in my head that is stopping me from "killing." (I killing mean on stage, not like literal vamp on neck kill action.) I have to start training harder. I need a watcher, but I feel like I'm almost too old to be a good slayer. I need to be my own watcher. I don't feel chosen right now. I still feel strong, but you know, outside looking in, like Faith. Well, I keep plugging or whatevs and I'll be 5x5.

love, B

Dear Buffy,

I feel like I've been split in two halves like Xander, one successful, good half and one screw up half, by the demon Toff. Obviously, I feel like the screw up half. I wonder where the half of me that has her shit together is. Probably sexing hot men and writing incredible jokes and makiiiiing it. (What is the "it" that I'm supposed to be making? I need a watcher.) I think I was just recently Parker Abrams-ed (from Season 4). I am getting so good at getting rejected by dudes that I am bouncing back quite bouncily. That may or may not be a good thing. I feel like you when you were searching for the first slayer to ask about love. Is slaying making me "hard," am I losing my warmth and my ability to love? Am I needing to be strong and guarding myself so much that I'm not letting anyone else in? Or does my strength come from my ability to love? Does it burn brighter than the fire?

Miss you, B.

love, B.

Dear Buffy,

I've been feeling a little lost lately. Like, I feel like if I was a slayer but one day I woke up and I wasn't a slayer, and then what would my purpose be? Except, I was never really a slayer to begin with, was I? Well, at least not in the traditional sense. But I certainly don't feel all that extradinary lately. I don't feel special. And, it's not like I expect to feel like I'm "...one girl in all the world, she alone..." level of special. But I wish every one felt "chosen" for something or other. I do believe that about most people, just not myself lately. My friends are so incredible, it's hard not to look at them and see their magicks. Everyone around me is spectacular, a hero, and I guess that makes me the Zeppo. I guess I think that everyone has powers and mine will probably come back eventually, (like yours after your 18th birthday test). Regardless, the best part about my life is the incredible, sweet, talented, brilliant scoobies I am surrounded by.

I love you B,
B

Dear Buffy,

Hey girl,

How's it going, B? I'm great, generally really happy, either that or I'm totally lying to myself girl. Regardless, that's probably not even that bad... You are strong for your friends and family and you put on a brave face, and I guess that's what I think I've been doing for myself. Before I can fight all the demons and save the scoobies, I gotta fight my own inner demons and save myself, right? Anywhoodles, I've been doing real good, having fucking fun all the time, being the id of me. I'm like Willow when she and Amy were doing all the magicks and you and Faith when you were partying before Faith went evil and accidentally stabbed a dude. Except I'm my own Faith. I'm my own dark side and I nurture that part of me and take care of her. I can't let my inner id wither despite all my responsibilities and duties. You know why I can't just forget about id-girl? "Because it's wrong."

Hope all is totes shiny,
love you brighter than the fire, Babs

Dear Buffy,

Hey B, it's me, B...

So, I've been reading about this "yesallwomen" and "notallmen" twitter party. I wasn't trying to get involved because the folks who started it were defensive, overcompensating, "nice guys" aka a bunch of whiny Jonathons. However, after the drama hurt some of my friends very badly, it started to get to me.

Anyway, on a completely unrelated note... Hey, Buffy, did you know...

Not all vampires are soulless. Well two have souls, Spike and Angel and they got them through fighting a demon and being cursed by gypsies respectively. Most are soulless.

Not all vampires murder humans. Most do, traditionally. However there's a lot in the Twilight universe and Being Human who choose to be "vegetarian" vampires. And that freaks me out even more that there vampires do have a choice and most of them choose willingly to be blood sucking evil murderers. It's terrifying.

Not all vampires burn in the sunlight. It's not like they'll get a tan or anything.

Not all vampires lack a reflection. How else could you explain how attractive and well groomed and shaven the all are?

And, well, Yes All Slayers are amazing, strong, beautiful, brilliant, loving, passionate women with the potential and the power to help others.

Dear Buffy,

Hey girl, um, um... oh my god am I the Angel of my own life? Do I just exist in each episode to be emo and create tension for the protagonist (who is also me)? I'm always standing outside my own room in the shadows looking forlorn and worried and like a sad puppy. I'm vibing really loudly, "Someone love me!" but I'm vibing that at myself. And then I'm like, "Hey dork, if you want me to love you (myself) then be loveable!"

Last night I watched the episode where you try to make Thanksgiving and get haunted. Spike's really funny in it. And white guilt is always good fun.

I'm trying to get my life in order. I just got a new awesome job. I sorta did some laundry. I cleaned my room and went to the doctor... I still feel lonely and lost. I want to feel like I'm loved and a part of something. I'm working so hard to get my life together, but I still feel like I'm floundering somewhat. I just no matter what still feel like... "I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m- or enjoy warm, delicious, cookie me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done."

Miss you, B. 

love, Babs